Spring Clean

Well, my daytime desk job ended. Oddly enough Im happy still. Im taking herbs B12 for energy, valerian root at night to relax, and licorice root to help fight the lung infection Ive been battling. Im eating a variety of things to make sure im getting nutrients. Im taking time to enjoy my days off. Its great. My girls are happier, im less grumpy less stressed out. Its been wonderful. My spring cleaning attitude is starting. I love my home, its nice being able to enjoy the things I work so hard for. Thats my little blurp on whats been going on. Ive been sick n out of work but its getting better. 
*~*Jen*~*

Today's Blurb on food and beliefs

http://emmysorganics.com/

 

^ Today’s blog is on wonderful local business people in Ithaca. I fully support the ideas they are advertising as supporter of natural foods, organic, non-GMO’s, and the Go Green movement for protecting the planet for our future, I truly am delighted to see these little Macaroons at my work’s café J

 

That is all, except stand for something or fall for anything. Right? It’s okay to disagree, but have an opinion and follow your beliefs whole-heartedly.

 

~Jen

 

 

 

*~* "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw *~*

 

"Happy" Carlton Dance

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Hope, Love, Faith, and my rambling

Today I want to discuss values and beliefs. I seem to struggle to know myself and sway to what others tell me. I have been very passive my whole life.

 

I got very upset this weekend when I discussed my decision for baptism with a friend. See, there are two ways of viewing Christianity, Baptism and faith. I personally do not believe in guilt, shame, and requirements of perfection in order to be saved. Baptism in many religious circles is looked at as “Regeneration” where you are leaving the old person behind and vowing to become a new person and strive for perfection and to give up sins. Yet God knows we are sinners, died for us while we are still sinners, and accepts us where we are. I’m learning in my recovery class that we are powerless to change our sinful habits on our own. If the matters of your heart is the most important thing to God, and He doesn’t require us to be sinless to be saved, why would baptism be any different? It’s an outward show to the church and others of faith in God. I do not believe I must vow to be perfect or give up all my bad habits before going thru with Baptism. Perhaps that’s what I’m discovering. I got all upset and almost lost a good friend over this subject, so I took time to dig down deep into what I believe and perhaps disagreeing on subjects is making my beliefs stronger.

 

I don’t have to change on my own or at all, God will love me just the same. In time, I find my mindset slowly changing on things and finding the will to do better slowly appearing. Life is a journey, and religious places that condemn people, judge them, require them to follow rules and codes just to be a good person are turning people from God. My faith is not about good works, it’s about something so much bigger than that. People are missing out on life and happiness thinking churches are judging them and that God is telling them to change in order to avoid hell. It’s just not like that. I will be going thru with my baptism but on my beliefs and I will not cave to religious demands for perfection.

 

I actually really feel good lately, despite the insomnia, stress, kids, and being really sick. I’m having a wonderful day just simply knowing I have my ideas and the guilt and judged feelings are going away. It’s really nice. I feel bad for the people who over complicate things. It’s so simple that it’s overlooked. There is peace in knowing love is enough after all. My situations remain stressful but my mindset towards them is changing. It’s really neat to watch it happen.

 

I know many people have been hurt by religious leaders and churches. I have been too. The church I attend is where I first was attacked by a youth group boy 10 years ago, it took me awhile to stop taking it out on God for mistakes of people around me, I trusted them to lead me but it’s not their place to be perfect either, I was looking in all the wrong places, even searching church for faith is the wrong place sometimes. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m saying challenge your thinking towards who is supposed to be leading you and who you should trust. People fail, people sin, that’s because we are human, everyone is imperfect and that won’t change with being saved. It’s not saying you’ll try to be perfect and feel horrible for failing, that’s not the intent. It’s so simple, lights on today. I can’t even explain it fully. It’s just simply desire and admit Jesus died for our sins and is God. Sins don’t disappear with faith, they are forgotten but we will still sin. Simple. Powerless to change on our own, that means it’s not all me. If changes are to happen I must rely on God to change my mind towards them as I’m not able to change on my own.

 

I’ve been thru deeply hurtful things. Places, people, and circumstances I thought I could trust weren’t always safe. Growing up feeling like nothing was safe has left its mark on me. Gripped by broken ideas of what life is about, I’ve often gotten myself into bad situations. I have made my share of mistakes. Divorce is my current grief, I look back on what I did wrong from the day I started talking to him. Hindsight is 20/20 right? I see myself way better now after this. I’m on a better path now. I value friendships, family, and my kids way more. I’m working hard, love my life right now. It’s hard to explain but I’m just way more relaxed. I have my bad moments, days, and weeks, but that’s not the point. I just don’t feel like I must be the only person figuring everything out. Faith is allowing yourself to believe in God who cares for you and will direct your life for you. Letting go of micromanaging my chaos is a relief. It’s no longer my job to fix it.

 

Haha Idk, today I’m just happy. And perhaps a certain best friend is to thank for this as well. Chances, forgiveness, and having someone to talk to, that’s what life is about. Relationships matter, even spiritually. I will not judge others. It’s not my place. To each their own. Perhaps tomorrow has hope after all and this is why I’m able to face today without being dragged down by depression. Hope and love are what life is all about.

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

 

 

*~* "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw *~*

 

Journaling Thoughts

Well I haven’t been doing much. Uprooted from the normal routine hasn’t helped my winter blues. It’s been a long, rough, winter and I cannot wait for Spring, figured if I set my background picture as green it’ll cheer me up from the arctic freeze. Today I’ve learned how difficult it is to divorce. It’s a long process even if you ask for nothing but the legal name change and divorce. The emotions I am going through are unbelievably difficult. I want to come to the point of accepting it, saying hey we were young and dumb and wish him the best. I’m not sure where I am but I’m not fully there yet. I just want to go home, relax, soak in a bubble bath with candles and wine and settle into watching movies and reading my books. I just want to be home. It’s nice to have a place I feel like I can escape to, hide away from work and life stresses, but people are telling me I’m isolating myself, perhaps I am? The silence of night is an amazing thing. So peaceful and mysterious, shadows and cold air, starlight over the snow, what about this keeps me awake? It’s just so peaceful to escape from the busy hustle of life and just simply be still.

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

 

*~* “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller *~*

 

 

My Dedication to Change of Perspective

Looking back at the past two years on the websites I have rediscovered, I’m seeing my ex and my relationship in a whole new way. I cannot be mad at him or blame him. It just didn’t work out and it takes two people to work on a marriage and I failed at things too. I can’t be mad at him, yes it was a horrible year and a half experience, my kids got hurt which is the hardest to forgive, but in the end, it just wasn’t meant to be. I cannot hold onto bitterness forever. I forgive him. Time to just be me and make sure the next time I get involved with someone, I take it much, much slower, and value the dating stage awhile. Not just for me, but for my girls. They understand my ex had his own issues, my oldest talked to me about how she sees things and she’s very smart, I actually learned a lot from how she saw the relationship and told me it’d be okay, and we’d be a happy family without him. I see such strength in her spirit, kindness and a beautifully innocent way of seeing the truth of things. Kids are smart, they pick up on things never said aloud thru actions and body language. It’s why leading by example is the only way to truly raise a child. Yelling and correcting them doesn’t stick, if you want to truly get thru to a child, show them by doing it yourself. Then everything else will come into place.

 

Sometimes our plans don’t go well, we cannot see the big picture that God does. He has plans we cannot imagine, so putting Him first is the only way to be happy. I believe that in order to be happy I must follow the words and advice in the Bible this time. To wait till marriage is one I’ll struggle with, seems odd to want to recommit myself this way but I believe I’d truly find forever love based on God’s plans if I follow the commandments. I’m not following rules to be “better” or “perfect” or “good” it’s the disasters I’ve gone thru because I didn’t follow this that has me wanted a clean, fresh start. To abstain till I’m married,

 

When I was 14, I wanted my first kiss to be on my wedding day, the innocent hope for making sure I saved everything of my heart for the one God intended for me, I lost my faith when I was attacked at a youth group event, that changed my mindset towards church and life. I grew up with a controlling father who quietly stayed away from us, never hugged my mother or my sister and I. I never saw the marriage I hoped for, but going to church was my escape, seeing all the happy families, and husbands next to wives gently holding and being sweet to the wife beside him. That kind of love was only at churches in my life, I grew attached to the idea for years, but now that I gave up on my dreams for the past 10 years, I’ve lost the hope and heart I was so hoping to save for the right person. I wanted a church wedding, to never have to choose between my faith, my kids, and my husband. I wanted the peace I found in families that made faith a priority. I’m not sure why this dream has stuck in my heart but I’ll never find my self-pride again unless I follow this dream this time. It’s a lot to ask I realize this, even of my own willpower and I doubt myself all the time on this but I want my fairytale, I don’t want to give myself just to be hurt by the wrong person again. Kind of like my phrase stated, “Would You Wait a Year for the Right Woman?” From here on out, I’m sticking to my values. I want faith to matter and be a priority this time, a lot of issues with past relationships are because my values all stem from my faith and I dated people who didn’t share my faith or values. This caused me to sway and feel badly about who I am afterwards. Experienced 24 year old was never my dream, I just fight to get my heart back, to see it grow back as innocent as it once was, but I’ve lost a part of that forever, can you ever truly start over fresh? I’m not sure, but I want different this time, I want something real, I want to find the person who’d wait for me, treasure getting to know me and not pressure me to give up my values, it’s a lot to ask of even myself let alone another person, but what if it was worth it? What is a year or two waiting if it meant forever happiness? If true love is forever, finding your “best friend” and something beyond what dating has become, than wouldn’t it be worth it?

 

I ramble a lot when I’m sitting still with time to think over everything, but I know something great is coming from my trials I survived, I’m finding my true passions in life, and I’ll be forever grateful for my mistakes for making me who I am today. To the world I’m a broken person, and the strength and intelligence and inner beauty people see isn’t from me, it’s my faith attracting those who are missing the peace faith brings. It’s why I cannot be mad at my ex or others who hurt me, I drew in the lost people and my flaws allowed it to lead where it did, I am unable to fight my human flaws, powerless to change my human flaws alone, this idea is the start of change, I’ll be someone I’d be proud of becoming someday, right now I think my heart is in the right place, I’d just have no idea why the idea of going back to abstaining has stuck with me now, I’m horrible with self-control in a relationship I’m attached to, I have this all or nothing ideology of a hopeless romantic, seeing forever and the good possibilities from the start, I get high hopes and then get hurt, and looking back, what would my future husband say? What would God say of my mistakes? Forgiveness is wonderful, He won’t remember them after I confess them, but if I am constantly going back to disaster habits, then I’m only hurting myself. I’m brutally honest with myself lately, divorce shook me awake, I think back to how wonderful I was at 13, so innocent, so happy and no trust issues or shame, I can never get that mindset back. I don’t regret my kids or lessons learned but what next? How do I honor my faith and myself if I already have broken my promises for so long? I’m recommitting myself to my faith, this time I’ll make sure I reach out for the only one who can help me change. This is a Brand New Kind of Me, and I will make mistakes, and fall short of my hopes for myself, but if I hold onto my faith in Christ, nothing will sway me from who I am supposed to be. God sees the big picture that I do not. It’s time for me to trust His plans and let go of my false sense of control over my life. I am powerless to change on my own. I need my God to change who I am and this is a process I’m committing myself to.

 

 

 

*~* “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller *~*

 

 

Flash From the Past

http://jensfreelancepoetry.blogspot.com/2012_10_01_archive.html

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nvw7fjG8pT8&list=ULBZ50XDcS9fA

^Flashback from my lost websites

 

 

So I Googled myself today, and found my old blog and YouTube channel from my laptop that my ex smashed in the breakup a year ago. I put so much time and effort into my designs, presentations and blog. It’s bittersweet finding them again. I’ll share the past with my present readers. A look into 2 years ago what I was like. I saw the wedding photo and old pictures of my ex as well in some places. I’m not mad anymore, I wish him the best and hope someday he finds what he’s looking for. I’m moving on to better things. As my life has changed some in positive ways, I’ve got a better neighborhood, a career, and a self-pride I lacked 2 years ago, but the tendency to run late when trying to get the kids around, seems to be consistently an issue still L

 

Learn some, change, and see how far I’ve come. I’m oddly at peace with finding this stuff today. Helps me see how far I’ve come.

 

Have a good day readers, and never let life keep you from changing for the better. Every day is a new day.

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

 

*~* “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller *~*

 

 

I did it bloggers! My first run, barely ran for five minutes but I got out there and started it! Feels great already!