3 AM Confessions

Once again I'm awake staring at the ceiling for hours before my alarm goes off. So much racing thru my mind has me wide awake from 3am until I work at 8:30. Figured perhaps I should write. It seems I have been distracting myself from working on my issues for years. I'm scared of the extreme reactions therapy will bring out. Talking just brings on panic and I cope with old addictions. I hate the silence, it's become my enemy. I don't value myself anymore, or my faith. I feel betrayed by the world and all alone. And worse I have thoughts instilled in my subconscious that it's all my fault. I hate being home alone in that big 'ol house.

There's so much hurt I've survived, why am I so "high functioning" that I hide the inner turmoil so well? I dress up, smile, and pretend I'm ok. Years of whispering daggers in my ear of how worthless I am, possessed by Satan, God will kill my first born, and how I must forgive and drop the past without remorse or a change in how I'm treated. Years of betrayals.... the child who learned "I'm alone" my parents too busy fighting to nurture love, I learned abandonment of emotions. I grew up in crooked churches, learned religion is an excuse for people to control others and get money. I learned guilt, that everything that happened was because I wasn't good enough. I learned that guys take and guys cheat. I learned that being a single mom and busting butt to survive still made me a horrible person. I'm the "cps case" the "bad mom" for working so hard to get out of subsidy and get on my feet. Now I'm the bad person for owning a home and having a job that travels some and for trusting the kids' dad to step up. Life is about chances, change and to continue on.

I've survived 24 years of controlling family, where I was never right or approved of. I am something to take advantage of because I gave so many chances and overlook so much wrongs. I gave love without expectations of it being returned. I got told I made my ex husband feel not good enough, perhaps because I never held his abuse against him, I loved openly and too openly. I overlooked the insults from so many people, overlooked the cheating and gave chances undeserved. I have worked my way from poverty and having nothing to my name a few times. I have stood up to abusers and gave forgiveness unwarranted by any change in actions. I have loved and cared for my girls in the best ways possible for me, I have learned to share responsibilities to ease the stress of my girls and I and I am learning to take the time for myself. So why is it I pull towards finding company? I keep thinking a man will help, if I have someone than I won't have to be so alone. Me against the world type a thing is terrifying and I have no trust in anyone, to be honest, I don't even trust God no more. How is it fair that I have to fight such an uphill battle just to survive? Why is it soo hard to trust the bigger picture? Will giving up dating the modern way really lead me anywhere but alone? What adult man would look twice at me if I am sticking to old methods of dating? Does God really care about me? Sure we all say yes when asked at church, we're all the "perfect christian" at church, hiding the doubts and worries and real life stuff that we all struggle with. I hate feeling like its me versus the world, and that no one is on my side. I don't hear from my family anymore. All I ever was was a car and money to them. I worked very hard and was too giving. I let myself be used for my house, my car, and my income to try and earn their love and time and approvals. Yet here I am with that cut off and now what?

I won't put bills in my name that aren't mine, I won't let my kids be bribed, controlled, insulted, or used as pawns. I put my foot down and learned a very sad truth... I am not respected. My decisions are meaningless to the ones I love. And if I am such a "bad mom" for putting the girls first and making unselfish decisions about what's best for them, then why are my daughters so happy and healthy? Why am I doing so much better now than I was? Yes, being alone is awful and I rather hide at friends' houses then go home, but yet here I am with time to think about myself and where I want to be and I am finding my voice and opinions and hobbies. I am passionate about drawing, and love designs and photography. I am in group for my past and struggles, I go to therapy and I have a sponsor I talk to, someone to relate to and pull thru the hard moments with. I am starting EMDR thursday, it's sensory therapy, an alternative method for suppressed PTSD and trauma. I have been strong too long, trying to do this all alone and as miss independent. Anxiety spikes, everything becomes overwhelming.

My ex-husband is having a baby, why does he get to be happy and move on and I am stuck? Was my unresolved trauma the reason I am alone? or is it why I accepted any relationship hoping it'd solve this lonely feeling? I wanted marriage to fix my issues. I wanted a dream life I haven't worked for. I stood up for myself this spring, going thru the divorce really started to change me. Hitting rock bottom, its either sink or swim right?

I realized, my family took advantage of my separation and hurt. Why was my mom and sister's bills all in my name? How was that fair? Missing money from a joint account, why should I pay into it and still fall short of the bills? I stayed there and suffered ridicule, depression and poor choices under the line of fire as my fault, where was the love and support I was hoping to find? I didn't find it anywhere. I turned to the kids' dad for help, ya he had an agenda too, everyone did. Yet the kids' and I needed out of my moms and on our own again. I fought hard to give my ex husband a second chance, he asked to come home and I caved, sold all I could to get him an apt to come home to, forgave the cheating and hoped for a future, but it didn't end up as honest and loving as I had hoped. I came clean about the time we were separated, he had a girlfriend but I still told him what happened, hoping my honesty would build a foundation someday. Lies destroy all that's left of a relationship.

During my divorce, each time I went to file papers and sign stuff, the months of agony over ending my ideal reality of being an honest woman, married and clean of judgements, all ended in papers. I realized hey, I may have screwed up quite a lot, but look what I do have! 24, own my home completely paid for, own my car, have a decent job with work car included, I have survived single parenting not unscathed but I am standing and my girls are very smart, healthy and loved little girls. I hug them, kiss them, and I'm honest with them. They trust me to be a good mom. I am nurturing my girls emotionally and physically so they won't feel what I felt growing up. I am cutting the ties of the past from our lives and I realized as well that I cannot be a good mom if I don't take care of my past and my trauma. I am using the time away from my kids to work on myself. I am seeking help so that I won't bring my past with me forever, and that I can learn to cope with stress in healthier ways, to let go of what was. I am learning to be honest with where I am at in life right now. I am proud of myself slowly but surely that I am doing my best. Yes I struggle and fail to stick to my promises of changing, but I am seeing slow changes. I still fall into old habits to numb the pain of what I'm fighting to recover from. I don't want to bring baggage with me forever.

I fear being alone, and I fear facing my flaws head on. I simply don't easily change. I try and try to be someone I'm not, but I must accept all of me. I am me. Flaws and all, I am good enough as I am right now to be loved. I do want to be better and that is a process, but anyone would be lucky to have me. I shouldn't feel like I'm so damaged that I'll end up alone. I hear those words echo in my head, I'll die alone like my father, I'm a terrible mom and my kids will never visit me, my baptism means God will kill my first born if I fail and sin again, depression means I'm possessed by Satan, and my attempts as a teen to end things, that never got addressed, my sister's issues got swept under the rug, we dreamt of running away and of foster care, I dreamt of living underground where no one could find me. At least my daughters don't feel like life is already over. And someday I will have to answer for my mistakes and the damage I have done to others, and I know I am far from perfect, but my heart is in the right place about things.

I survive, I pick myself up and try again. I fall into wrong thinking easily. I try to date to hide the pain of being alone. I dread working on my past and I worry about losing my job, house, car, kids, but that's all out of my control. Life happens and life goes on no matter what.

Pick my head up, and use these hours away, these horrible morning hours of nothing but thinking endlessly of all that is going on in my life, but I am here and I am trying. Isn't that all we can do? I cannot change myself, I have tried and tried to change without help, and I fall into the same patterns over and over. Of seeking online dating to fill the time and silences, I found that if I keep busy and stay around friends then I am less likely to fall into old habits. I'm writing this blog because I am tempted to scroll thru the online dating site just to talk to strangers and feel less alone, they reply and compliment my pictures, feels less alone. Fools me into thinking my worth is held in what others think of me, and fills the long empty silences where I'm sad. I'm sad for the loss of my white picket fence. My dream world where I ignored the realities of people around me being toxic, and pretended they cared like I cared. I would give anything for that naive bliss back... Waking up to reality is such a lonely affair. I'm 24, no supportive family, divorced, and I only have my daughters on weekends currently. I can't cope with my depression and anxiety alone, and therapy makes it worse before it gets any better. It's hard work, its lonely, and its dreadful to be this honest with myself. To say to myself the dream isn't real.

I didn't have love, I didn't have approvals, and I am damaged goods. I am stubborn. I am mad at God for my misfortunes, I rather ignore my part in this situation then fix it, and I refuse to consider myself a bad person for my flaws. I am me, I am not very confident, I hate silences and going home alone. I use my cell phone to feel less alone, I am struggling to change this and be more honest.

I've dated people who didn't care about me, and treated me awful and I found even bad company comforting. Anything but this reality that I am needing to work on myself and find peace in the silence someday. To find peace in being alone, to learn to trust the bigger picture of working on things. I don't want to change, but I admit there is a need for change. There has to be something better then this. I do not want to live broken and alone. I do not want my kids to suffer because I refuse to be better. I want to love life again, to be happy and content with where I am at. I want to trust my faith in God again, I want to trust myself again someday. I feel my judgements are so horrible and my flaws just never disappear, that I fear I'm not lovable as I am. I worry my torn heart between right and wrong and willpower and letting go of control will always be a huge battle. Is desire for better enough to save me? Is it enough for hope? The right person will be patient and kind with me.

The daggers of words hanging in my subconscious, those are my demons I fight. I fight the battle between logic and unrealistic thoughts that have become my reality. Perhaps if I am simply honest with how I am that is a good place to start.


This is my 3 AM confessions.

Hot Apple Cider 09/14/14

As this crazy world keeps spinning, I realize I'll never have answers, I'll never have plans, I take it day by day, step by step till I find my way thru it all. There are no answers, only more questions. As work slows, winter creeps, and panic sets in, I gotta trust that it'll all find a way to thrive once again. So I sit with my hot apple cider, watch Fringe, cuddle up with my bf, and watch my kids laugh, argue, grow, & I smile despite it all.

*~*Jen*~*

Farewell Past, I Won't Be Back

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=emotional%20abuse%20from%20a%20mother%2C%20adult%20child%20recovery%20&source=web&cd=10&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CHIQFjAJ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nytimes.com%2F2009%2F10%2F20%2Fhealth%2F20mind.html&ei=-AzyU-bSFefesASn9YGgDQ&usg=AFQjCNGlRkbqYWLRU5nYuca5wqFHDJm81Q&sig2=S0VIVLjsrgAcZp-GrI7MXw

In a world where we rarely protect ourselves, honor are own beliefs, or admit mistreatment is wrong, many grow up believing that family is allowed to disrespect you because you must honor your parents. Or "good christian's are positive all the time" or sinning after baptism is a curse on your first born.

Twisted misconceptions will ruin the self light we all struggle to hold onto. What about what's good for me? What about living a stress free, or less stressful life and making my own decisions without criticism and hate. I am me, and I may second guess myself for a bit still, but I'm learning to fall in love with myself. Learning to stick to my decisions so that someday I can trust myself again.

Everyone has a past, and I have empathy for those that have gone through trials of their own, I do draw a firm line. Past is not an excuse to abuse others. Hurt people hurt people, but that doesn't make it right. And ya I'm guilt of it too. I'm far from perfect, but I am no hypocrite. I lay out my flaws, sins, and who I am for everyone to see. I am me. Just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean I have no right to set personal boundaries. Who I am doesn't mean I can be cut down, torn apart, and called a bad mom, ect. I don't care who it is, I will no longer tolerate the ignorance that I have no right to stand up for myself, even if that means distancing myself from the causes of stress no matter who it may be. I cannot seek approval from others, and I cannot fix it by changing myself constantly. I am who I am, I will not apologize for any truth, any characteristic of mine, or what I do. I am sorry that agreeing to disagree is so impossible. I am sorry that I dedicated a lifetime to changing to earn approvals I'll never get from anyone else. I am sorry that I tolerated it so long that now I must remove myself in order to stay healthy and sane. But this is me, this is what I need. I wish I had the right things to say, wish I could write a letter and fix it all or that this distance was temporary but as I gain self esteem, confidence, and my health back, I can never go back to how it was. I'm sorry, but its different now. I wish you well, farewell past. You hold some fond memories but this is my new path, new journey now. I can't take you with me anymore.

Goodbye forever, enemy of my happiness, and friend of my misery. I'm setting out to rediscover the world. I won't be back.

*~*JENAH*~*

Worker's Blog, 8/18/14

Worker's Blog:

Well it's an early Monday morning and I'm in Hilton monitoring an asbestos crew remove windows and caulk. Six am comes early. Summer's starting to fade as the chill in the air reminds us all that fall is coming soon. I'm sitting in a Pre-K classroom at a makeshift office, listening to keys jingle, roofers jack hammering away, and the buzz of workers all around, yet somehow its still quiet among the noise. Weekends fly by, and the summer at home is gone already. As I prepare for traveling again, I think on my weekends and how I'm spending my time.

To many who are on the outside looking in, they wonder how can I take a job like this? A single mom trusting her kids' family? Don't I love my kids? hmm, why yes I adore my kids, I want my daughters to take on sports, to have nice school clothes, be able to do hobbies and teach them about life in the best way possible, showing them its possible to do anything.

I talk to my kids and so does their dad, about my job, that I love them very much and I must travel. Why is it that taking on a a career option is looked at so negatively? Why am I the "bad mom" 'cuz I don't stay home 24/7 and cook, clean, and rely on a man? Oh and BTW to the married people out there, just 'cuz I'm single doesn't mean I'm out to steal husband's and party and be crazy.

My husband cheated and left, so I work twice as hard to achieve the goals I wanted to achieve with him. It sucks to be alone and trying to provide a home for my kids. I spend my free time with my kids, I'm taking time post divorce to recoup and rediscover my own goals. I'm single and doing my best in a new career and as a independent woman. So the next time your nose goes up in the air, remember this, someday this could be you. What if you became a single mom? Can you really say you know I am not doing great if you haven't been in my situation? Let's not judge each other. What I have an issue with is the vicious gossiping and two-faced backstabbing. Aren't we all adults here? What I am not a typical person so I'm a threat to society? I think not. I think I am working on goals that ya'll can't see the outcome of yet. If my kids are happy and healthy and out of daycares, isn't that a good thing? Why does there have to be a "bad parent" and a "good parent" aren't we all parents? Imperfectly doing our best to love and raise our kids? Sometimes there is crappy parents out there who truly don't care, but let's not confuse abusive people with ones who aren't abusive just making rough decisions. Do you think this is my ideal situation? No, no it's not my ideal. I can't handle the pressure to be a superhuman, do it all on my own, don't ask for help, don't trust anyone, what kinda life is that for the kids? Why must we treat each other like failures for doing our best in difficult situations. Isn't it hard enough that I'm divorced and my close family turned on me? Adding poison to the burn doesn't really make any sense. How can loving people do this to their own?

No, this doesn't make sense so yeah I distance myself from it. If you cannot treat me with respect, be honest, and not talk poorly of my decisions behind my back out of jealousy and hate, why would I bother to be around you?

If a stranger treated me this way I'd be furious, so why the misplaced guilt? I'm taking care of myself now, I'm being me now. And if you don't understand or want to hate, well there's the door sweetheart. I bought myself my own rings, cheap Walmart bling but it goes along with my self dates. I am in essence "dating" myself right now. Until I can be happy, there is no way I can make anyone else happy.

So here I am, quietly pondering life, choices, and my love for my kids. Isn't it a grand thing how nothing has to make sense right away?

*~*Jenah*~*

http://www.inkedincolour.com/breaking-the-silence-on-being-a-single-parent/


Being a single mom (or dad) is hard enough without the society pressure of perfection. Let's all take off the superhero capes and admit we're all doing the best we can. I understand doing what you can and not understanding the situation. What upsets me is gossip and judging and hating on others that decided things differently in their situations. Just because you don't think you'd do that same thing, doesn't mean you have the right to judge someone else for doing that. Working, raising kids, and being a young single mom is hard enough without all the pressures from others you trust to be on your side making the guilt worse. Every parent should understand there is a million ways to raise a kid, the goal is controlled perfection, its happy healthy kids and parents. Communities raise kids, and single moms still need a community to help them. No one does it all by themselves, let's stop trying to "Keep up with the Jones" and remember we're all humans with feelings and doing our best. It's how you react to a situation and others that defines your character, let's aim for getting back to the heart of communities and loving each other through trials. Unfortunately life doesn't work in ideals, family is often the worst at accepting your decisions, & they often hurt you the deepest because of this. My stance is if they cannot build you up, move on. Life is too short to be made to feel like a failure all the time. Surround yourself in the positive and keep moving forward. It'll get better. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Doing it all on your own will overwhelm you. Anyone trying to do it all will snap and fall and get stressed out, remember taking care of yourself must come first and don't let anyone talk down to you about your decisions even if you screw up again and again, its not their story, not their path and who are they to judge another?

Overall lets remember we don't know what they went through. Let's be more accepting of each other.

*~*Jen*~*

Do You Approve of You?

May became August somehow, How'd that happen? Seems I blinked and summer is gone. I've been through some changes. Family turned on my new found confidence. Started spreading rumors of me being a bad mom now that I work and travel so much. It bothered me a great deal at first, to be uninvited from birthdays and have the kids overhear comments about me, the questions from my daughters about why that was said and is it because mommy got a tattoo? How to explain its not just one thing, its 24 years of hurts and after my divorce I just set my foot down. No more getting walked on and asked to change who I am just to get used, cheated on, stolen from, and told I'll end up alone. Told that my kids won't want to see me, and that the kids' dad is doing a better job then I did. Yet why is the opinion of the few people who aren't even doing well for themselves matter so much? I'm too nice, heart on my sleeve. I sought approval, living in the fantasy of what I wish family was to me, and what my marriage was supposed to be but wasn't. The pretty pictures aren't my reality. I've worked hard, been assigned a summer project to run that had its share of surprises. Figured out I was liaison for the site most days, keeping the peace between contractors. As I developed confidence and experience this summer, I began to notice something. I'm happier without the stress I thought I'd always have around me. It sucks cutting family out. They mean soo much to me, but sometimes I have to be a little selfish. I don't get emotional support from them. I have a dad who doesn't notice anyone, won't talk to me, a mom who gossips about me and lies about situations for her own gain, and a sister whose parroting it all at me as if its her idea. I decided to accept this is my reality. I don't have a great family support system, isn't that obvious? I have busting butt for years to survive and get off welfare and here I am, own my house, own my car, have a career, work car, and no welfare. I'm buckling down on debts and spending time for myself once in awhile too. I have my best friend who I am very thankful for, and spent many great peaceful weekends off with my girls. So yeah I'm gone most weekdays, crazy hours and last min calls for anything at any time. Sounds crazy to accept a job like this, but its the grunt work of environmental jobs, working my way up is the best way to keep a stable home. It's not a permanent solution, but it is working out fantastically. My girls love being out of daycare and with their dad and grandma. So yeah my oldest's biological father isn't the same person, but 5 years of helping raise her has made him just as much her father if not more so 'cuz he's the only one who doesn't abandon the girls. He stepped up for the kids when my ex failed us. It's nice to have the kids stable. I'm not with him, and no one I date is the girls' father figure again, I made that mistake with the ex-husband and had a mess of broken pieces to mend with my daughters. The whirlwind romance crashed and burned, but somehow I'm better then ever and my family didn't attend the wedding, didn't help me through my separation or divorce, and aren't here for me now either. So what am I expecting? Why feel guilty for taking time to just be myself? I've gotten into my single routine lol come home from work, make food, take boots off, curl up on the couch with rented shows from the library, and have half a drink of mike's lemonade, and pass out. My little routine started a few weeks ago, been single for awhile and the dating world has been very disappointing. Yet I'm back online to fish for a good catch, figured hope is the essence of life, right? Decided just because I'm divorced and not talking to my family, doesn't mean I can't be a better version of myself, happy, & know what I want out of life, and I want to be married someday, but to someone I know and cherish, not the rush of a whirlwind of young love, but a love that doesn't fade. I want to be respected and live life stress free, and if that means I must cut out people I love that don't respect me & my right to choose differently then them, then why bother? If a stranger treated me like people I loved did, I'd flip out, so why does family get the exceptions? Why is it that family can make you feel so small and wrong and useless and that feels normal? I'm breaking the cycle of hurt. My girls spend weekdays with their family now, & I'm getting time to rebuild myself again. Its a much needed break for sanity and a new start for my career and life. I'm finding me and finding my path, finding my voice to say hey this is me, this is who I am. 

Sometimes a tragedy forces a new thing to emerge, either play victim or creator of the future years. Give up on explaining the past, or why people treated you the way they did. No answer will ever make it better or change the past. So today, find the positives, find out who you are and who you want to be and never let anyone tell you you're not good enough, or a failure. Only believing others opinions of you leads to failure. This summer I'm coming alive. Finding out this is me, I hope ya'll like it but I'm no longer waiting for approval. I approve of myself. Do you? 

*~*Jen*~* 

So here I am again...

Well, I been gone from writing and I'm sorry for that. As the paperwork for the divorce got thicker, lost my job, started a new career. Things got busy, and busy was good. Helped me get through the winter. I'm doing better now, took a few classes at church. I been traveling and training. I'm not online as much as I was but I'm writing a little bit for any readers still reading :p Life has many changes, and every bad trial I faced this year, turned into something better than I had planned. I'm accepting myself and enjoying the day to day stuff just putting the past behind me. I'm Miss Holton again, officially divorced and moving on. Healing is a process and sometimes its different than before, you learned, hurt, and heal to make up a whole new person. Maybe I'm not that different but I do feel like the changes that happened this past year are making me different. I'm beginning to take pride in who I am, trusting my decisions and not letting anyone walk on me, push me around. No more listening to insults, no more taking the blame for everyone else's flaws and misplaced anger, when I faced rejection, cheated on from my ex-husband, the violent, loud arguments, the family walking on me and degrading me, telling me I need to change, I'll end up alone if I don't do things their way. It's all empty words echoing their pain and not mine. Today I am me, and its good enough.

My random update, after a long day project monitoring and working in a science field. I'm living a realty better then my old dreams.

~Jen

Spring Clean

Well, my daytime desk job ended. Oddly enough Im happy still. Im taking herbs B12 for energy, valerian root at night to relax, and licorice root to help fight the lung infection Ive been battling. Im eating a variety of things to make sure im getting nutrients. Im taking time to enjoy my days off. Its great. My girls are happier, im less grumpy less stressed out. Its been wonderful. My spring cleaning attitude is starting. I love my home, its nice being able to enjoy the things I work so hard for. Thats my little blurp on whats been going on. Ive been sick n out of work but its getting better. 
*~*Jen*~*

Today's Blurb on food and beliefs

http://emmysorganics.com/

 

^ Today’s blog is on wonderful local business people in Ithaca. I fully support the ideas they are advertising as supporter of natural foods, organic, non-GMO’s, and the Go Green movement for protecting the planet for our future, I truly am delighted to see these little Macaroons at my work’s café J

 

That is all, except stand for something or fall for anything. Right? It’s okay to disagree, but have an opinion and follow your beliefs whole-heartedly.

 

~Jen

 

 

 

*~* "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw *~*

 

"Happy" Carlton Dance

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Hope, Love, Faith, and my rambling

Today I want to discuss values and beliefs. I seem to struggle to know myself and sway to what others tell me. I have been very passive my whole life.

 

I got very upset this weekend when I discussed my decision for baptism with a friend. See, there are two ways of viewing Christianity, Baptism and faith. I personally do not believe in guilt, shame, and requirements of perfection in order to be saved. Baptism in many religious circles is looked at as “Regeneration” where you are leaving the old person behind and vowing to become a new person and strive for perfection and to give up sins. Yet God knows we are sinners, died for us while we are still sinners, and accepts us where we are. I’m learning in my recovery class that we are powerless to change our sinful habits on our own. If the matters of your heart is the most important thing to God, and He doesn’t require us to be sinless to be saved, why would baptism be any different? It’s an outward show to the church and others of faith in God. I do not believe I must vow to be perfect or give up all my bad habits before going thru with Baptism. Perhaps that’s what I’m discovering. I got all upset and almost lost a good friend over this subject, so I took time to dig down deep into what I believe and perhaps disagreeing on subjects is making my beliefs stronger.

 

I don’t have to change on my own or at all, God will love me just the same. In time, I find my mindset slowly changing on things and finding the will to do better slowly appearing. Life is a journey, and religious places that condemn people, judge them, require them to follow rules and codes just to be a good person are turning people from God. My faith is not about good works, it’s about something so much bigger than that. People are missing out on life and happiness thinking churches are judging them and that God is telling them to change in order to avoid hell. It’s just not like that. I will be going thru with my baptism but on my beliefs and I will not cave to religious demands for perfection.

 

I actually really feel good lately, despite the insomnia, stress, kids, and being really sick. I’m having a wonderful day just simply knowing I have my ideas and the guilt and judged feelings are going away. It’s really nice. I feel bad for the people who over complicate things. It’s so simple that it’s overlooked. There is peace in knowing love is enough after all. My situations remain stressful but my mindset towards them is changing. It’s really neat to watch it happen.

 

I know many people have been hurt by religious leaders and churches. I have been too. The church I attend is where I first was attacked by a youth group boy 10 years ago, it took me awhile to stop taking it out on God for mistakes of people around me, I trusted them to lead me but it’s not their place to be perfect either, I was looking in all the wrong places, even searching church for faith is the wrong place sometimes. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m saying challenge your thinking towards who is supposed to be leading you and who you should trust. People fail, people sin, that’s because we are human, everyone is imperfect and that won’t change with being saved. It’s not saying you’ll try to be perfect and feel horrible for failing, that’s not the intent. It’s so simple, lights on today. I can’t even explain it fully. It’s just simply desire and admit Jesus died for our sins and is God. Sins don’t disappear with faith, they are forgotten but we will still sin. Simple. Powerless to change on our own, that means it’s not all me. If changes are to happen I must rely on God to change my mind towards them as I’m not able to change on my own.

 

I’ve been thru deeply hurtful things. Places, people, and circumstances I thought I could trust weren’t always safe. Growing up feeling like nothing was safe has left its mark on me. Gripped by broken ideas of what life is about, I’ve often gotten myself into bad situations. I have made my share of mistakes. Divorce is my current grief, I look back on what I did wrong from the day I started talking to him. Hindsight is 20/20 right? I see myself way better now after this. I’m on a better path now. I value friendships, family, and my kids way more. I’m working hard, love my life right now. It’s hard to explain but I’m just way more relaxed. I have my bad moments, days, and weeks, but that’s not the point. I just don’t feel like I must be the only person figuring everything out. Faith is allowing yourself to believe in God who cares for you and will direct your life for you. Letting go of micromanaging my chaos is a relief. It’s no longer my job to fix it.

 

Haha Idk, today I’m just happy. And perhaps a certain best friend is to thank for this as well. Chances, forgiveness, and having someone to talk to, that’s what life is about. Relationships matter, even spiritually. I will not judge others. It’s not my place. To each their own. Perhaps tomorrow has hope after all and this is why I’m able to face today without being dragged down by depression. Hope and love are what life is all about.

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

 

 

*~* "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw *~*

 

Journaling Thoughts

Well I haven’t been doing much. Uprooted from the normal routine hasn’t helped my winter blues. It’s been a long, rough, winter and I cannot wait for Spring, figured if I set my background picture as green it’ll cheer me up from the arctic freeze. Today I’ve learned how difficult it is to divorce. It’s a long process even if you ask for nothing but the legal name change and divorce. The emotions I am going through are unbelievably difficult. I want to come to the point of accepting it, saying hey we were young and dumb and wish him the best. I’m not sure where I am but I’m not fully there yet. I just want to go home, relax, soak in a bubble bath with candles and wine and settle into watching movies and reading my books. I just want to be home. It’s nice to have a place I feel like I can escape to, hide away from work and life stresses, but people are telling me I’m isolating myself, perhaps I am? The silence of night is an amazing thing. So peaceful and mysterious, shadows and cold air, starlight over the snow, what about this keeps me awake? It’s just so peaceful to escape from the busy hustle of life and just simply be still.

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

 

*~* “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller *~*

 

 

My Dedication to Change of Perspective

Looking back at the past two years on the websites I have rediscovered, I’m seeing my ex and my relationship in a whole new way. I cannot be mad at him or blame him. It just didn’t work out and it takes two people to work on a marriage and I failed at things too. I can’t be mad at him, yes it was a horrible year and a half experience, my kids got hurt which is the hardest to forgive, but in the end, it just wasn’t meant to be. I cannot hold onto bitterness forever. I forgive him. Time to just be me and make sure the next time I get involved with someone, I take it much, much slower, and value the dating stage awhile. Not just for me, but for my girls. They understand my ex had his own issues, my oldest talked to me about how she sees things and she’s very smart, I actually learned a lot from how she saw the relationship and told me it’d be okay, and we’d be a happy family without him. I see such strength in her spirit, kindness and a beautifully innocent way of seeing the truth of things. Kids are smart, they pick up on things never said aloud thru actions and body language. It’s why leading by example is the only way to truly raise a child. Yelling and correcting them doesn’t stick, if you want to truly get thru to a child, show them by doing it yourself. Then everything else will come into place.

 

Sometimes our plans don’t go well, we cannot see the big picture that God does. He has plans we cannot imagine, so putting Him first is the only way to be happy. I believe that in order to be happy I must follow the words and advice in the Bible this time. To wait till marriage is one I’ll struggle with, seems odd to want to recommit myself this way but I believe I’d truly find forever love based on God’s plans if I follow the commandments. I’m not following rules to be “better” or “perfect” or “good” it’s the disasters I’ve gone thru because I didn’t follow this that has me wanted a clean, fresh start. To abstain till I’m married,

 

When I was 14, I wanted my first kiss to be on my wedding day, the innocent hope for making sure I saved everything of my heart for the one God intended for me, I lost my faith when I was attacked at a youth group event, that changed my mindset towards church and life. I grew up with a controlling father who quietly stayed away from us, never hugged my mother or my sister and I. I never saw the marriage I hoped for, but going to church was my escape, seeing all the happy families, and husbands next to wives gently holding and being sweet to the wife beside him. That kind of love was only at churches in my life, I grew attached to the idea for years, but now that I gave up on my dreams for the past 10 years, I’ve lost the hope and heart I was so hoping to save for the right person. I wanted a church wedding, to never have to choose between my faith, my kids, and my husband. I wanted the peace I found in families that made faith a priority. I’m not sure why this dream has stuck in my heart but I’ll never find my self-pride again unless I follow this dream this time. It’s a lot to ask I realize this, even of my own willpower and I doubt myself all the time on this but I want my fairytale, I don’t want to give myself just to be hurt by the wrong person again. Kind of like my phrase stated, “Would You Wait a Year for the Right Woman?” From here on out, I’m sticking to my values. I want faith to matter and be a priority this time, a lot of issues with past relationships are because my values all stem from my faith and I dated people who didn’t share my faith or values. This caused me to sway and feel badly about who I am afterwards. Experienced 24 year old was never my dream, I just fight to get my heart back, to see it grow back as innocent as it once was, but I’ve lost a part of that forever, can you ever truly start over fresh? I’m not sure, but I want different this time, I want something real, I want to find the person who’d wait for me, treasure getting to know me and not pressure me to give up my values, it’s a lot to ask of even myself let alone another person, but what if it was worth it? What is a year or two waiting if it meant forever happiness? If true love is forever, finding your “best friend” and something beyond what dating has become, than wouldn’t it be worth it?

 

I ramble a lot when I’m sitting still with time to think over everything, but I know something great is coming from my trials I survived, I’m finding my true passions in life, and I’ll be forever grateful for my mistakes for making me who I am today. To the world I’m a broken person, and the strength and intelligence and inner beauty people see isn’t from me, it’s my faith attracting those who are missing the peace faith brings. It’s why I cannot be mad at my ex or others who hurt me, I drew in the lost people and my flaws allowed it to lead where it did, I am unable to fight my human flaws, powerless to change my human flaws alone, this idea is the start of change, I’ll be someone I’d be proud of becoming someday, right now I think my heart is in the right place, I’d just have no idea why the idea of going back to abstaining has stuck with me now, I’m horrible with self-control in a relationship I’m attached to, I have this all or nothing ideology of a hopeless romantic, seeing forever and the good possibilities from the start, I get high hopes and then get hurt, and looking back, what would my future husband say? What would God say of my mistakes? Forgiveness is wonderful, He won’t remember them after I confess them, but if I am constantly going back to disaster habits, then I’m only hurting myself. I’m brutally honest with myself lately, divorce shook me awake, I think back to how wonderful I was at 13, so innocent, so happy and no trust issues or shame, I can never get that mindset back. I don’t regret my kids or lessons learned but what next? How do I honor my faith and myself if I already have broken my promises for so long? I’m recommitting myself to my faith, this time I’ll make sure I reach out for the only one who can help me change. This is a Brand New Kind of Me, and I will make mistakes, and fall short of my hopes for myself, but if I hold onto my faith in Christ, nothing will sway me from who I am supposed to be. God sees the big picture that I do not. It’s time for me to trust His plans and let go of my false sense of control over my life. I am powerless to change on my own. I need my God to change who I am and this is a process I’m committing myself to.

 

 

 

*~* “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller *~*

 

 

Flash From the Past

http://jensfreelancepoetry.blogspot.com/2012_10_01_archive.html

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nvw7fjG8pT8&list=ULBZ50XDcS9fA

^Flashback from my lost websites

 

 

So I Googled myself today, and found my old blog and YouTube channel from my laptop that my ex smashed in the breakup a year ago. I put so much time and effort into my designs, presentations and blog. It’s bittersweet finding them again. I’ll share the past with my present readers. A look into 2 years ago what I was like. I saw the wedding photo and old pictures of my ex as well in some places. I’m not mad anymore, I wish him the best and hope someday he finds what he’s looking for. I’m moving on to better things. As my life has changed some in positive ways, I’ve got a better neighborhood, a career, and a self-pride I lacked 2 years ago, but the tendency to run late when trying to get the kids around, seems to be consistently an issue still L

 

Learn some, change, and see how far I’ve come. I’m oddly at peace with finding this stuff today. Helps me see how far I’ve come.

 

Have a good day readers, and never let life keep you from changing for the better. Every day is a new day.

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

 

*~* “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller *~*

 

 

I did it bloggers! My first run, barely ran for five minutes but I got out there and started it! Feels great already!

Happiness and Habits

http://www.gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2014/02/i-created-a-different-relationship-to-the-voice-in-my-head/

^Today’s Highlight, Gretchen Rubin, author of this website and a few books on Happiness and Habits,

 

Today I’m choosing to write about people who inspire others thru changing the self-talk in their own minds. Once this habit is started it’s truly contagious and you want to share all about it.

 

Gretchen Rubin is interviewing Dan Harris, a fellow writer and author like herself, about happiness and habits. It’s truly a must read.

 

Self-talk and meditation is so overlooked as important, I truly believe this is also in line with my faith. For the Christians out there struggling with the meditation context and worrying its not of God. My personal favorite reference is www.openbible.com, online search, I can Google Biblical verses on Mediation and get a listing of all the verses in the Bible that list this topic. I check multiple websites but this one is my favorite for its simplicity and accuracy.

 

http://www.openbible.info/topics/meditation

 

We are to make sure our mediation is pleasing to God, but we are called to mediate on His words. Mediation is in every culture including Christianity. It’s a calming way to manage your thoughts and get them in line with peace.

 

“Be still and know I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10

 

These authors talk about happiness and habits and are not labeled with one particular faith online. I just wanted to bring up both their wonderful ideas and writing and try to bring around a more open minded mindset towards meditation and self-talk. How we treat ourselves and how we talk to ourselves does matter. Habits do effect our happiness. It’s why I am working on my diet, exercise, and health. It’s why I’m taking a dreaded budget class and a difficult Recovery course to face my flaws which I know I need to work on. I’m vowing to myself to keep my promises to myself and stop denying and isolating myself. It’s so hard to do this, but it has its rewards in time. I’m becoming more and more content and happy with my life. I have bad days still but I’m getting better.

 

I’ve decided to take a break from relationships, a true break where I’m not seeking them at all and won’t accept being asked out for a year maybe two. I want to reset myself and my mindset for a while. I want to see myself how I should see myself. People tell me I’m a wonderful, honest, smart, beautiful woman, but if I don’t believe in myself that won’t matter. I need to develop my roots in my beliefs, my faith, my direction in life, and learn to love myself first. Then I will attract a man worth finding instead of losers and users. I’m confident breaking bad habits is both in my hands as well as admitting I’m powerless to change my human flaws on my own. I’ve done a pretty big job of screwing it all up when I try to control everything around me. I cannot be at peace and who I am supposed to be without giving up my micromanaging of my life and the world around me.

 

Knowing where you fall short is half the battle, finding the courage to admit you cannot change your bad habits without changing how you see your habits and admitting the human tendency to sin is what it’s all about.

 

I’ll close with that on today’s rant on habits lol

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

Why I Didn't Run Today

This is life when the fantasy falls away. Waking up to reality. Divorce is such an ugly word. Meaningless wedding, can’t have happily ever after with only one person trying. Did I give up too soon? I’ll always wonder this. How can I walk away without torment? It’s impossible. It’s not that I miss what was, I miss what never happened, never existed. Life isn’t a fairytale, marriage doesn’t just work out. I didn’t know who he truly was, I wasn’t ready to battle such wars against addictions, deceit and betrayal. I pulled my weight long as I could, perhaps I’m weak. I know I can’t do it on my own. I’m turning to God for help, bring Him my tears and broken heart. Where did I go wrong? I didn’t put  God first in my fairytale. I’m fighting depression, dragging myself out of bed in the mornings, no patience, no smiles, I have my moments of happiness but then reality hits me in the face again. Money issues, struggling thru as a single mom of two kids by different dads. Such shame and guilt is binding me, I hate who I have become. I’m a stranger to most people, unreliable, a solitude hermit, I’m hiding from life. It’s too hard to wake up some times. I get what needs to be done, done, but with less spunk and spirit. I’m here but barely smiling. I’m falling apart. Sick of being hurt, sick of how life has gone. I’m taking a break from people but that doesn’t seem to be helping anything either. I’m just stuck in this moment of tears, crying like I haven’t done since I found out about the other girl, I lost my job because of that, and now I’m here at a better job, but will this despair be the ruin of me? Today I cannot hide behind a mask, today I’m just hurting, disappointed in myself, and wanting help and comfort, something to make the nights less long, and mornings more cheerful. I attempted to run, got the stuff out and everything but -4 degrees is so discouraging. I want to run from this pain, perhaps I can gain the discipline to run in the mornings. It’s calling to me. I’m not sure why but my heart is longing to run, my body thinks I’m crazy, I’m out of shape, hate mornings and 4:30am is absolutely nuts, but I cleaned out my closet last night, found my running outfit, and set it out on my bed in sight. It’s calling to me. Is this the answer to my plea for mornings to be easier? How will this help? I’m not sure, but perhaps tomorrow I’ll get up and try. I’m not certain that I want to run, especially in the winter, out of shape, in the mornings, but it’s on my mind. Perhaps it’s the answer to my mornings of dragging myself along? The energy I’m needing and don’t have? I’m a step closer today, perhaps tomorrow morning I’ll try again. The issue is the word try, I lack the conviction to accomplish this unwilling task. No one wants to run in winter, early mornings, not at first. So I need motivation to force myself to start this. I’ll keep a journal of my days on here. Perhaps my struggles will help another reader get out there and try something they haven’t been able to try. Every day is a new day. I’ll have another chance tomorrow.

 

*~*Jen*~*

What About the Change?

https://www.tacanow.org/family-resources/things-that-should-be-avoided-for-asd-kids/

^The link between learning disabilities on the rise and GMO’s and chemically altered foods that are changing the brain

 

More of a reason that organic, homemade meals are best. Remove processed sugars, food dyes, and GMO produce from the diet and the learning disabilities disappear with the bad foods. Basically homegrown is best, home cooked is best,  stores are hiding the MSG preservatives under different names on labels. If you don’t know how the food is made you are risking chemicals damaging your body. God knew best when He created us, altering the chemical makeup of the body with unnecessary things is dangerous to your health.

 

All natural, organic foods don’t have to be expensive. Weekly cooking and packing and freezing foods helps a lot. I need to make this a priority not just for myself but for my kids as well. If pregnant women are cautioned from eating things processed, should we consider the dangers of eating it when not pregnant too? What if poor food quality could solve the issues we’ve been fighting? Anxiety, insomnia, depression, OCD, learning disabilities, what if all those things stem from us as a society playing God and altering food and DNA of plants and using the power of new technology to do anything from researching DNA and thinking mankind can alter and solve any disease, prevent disease, and play God in the lab. Scientists have gotten lost in the marvel of technology which does amazing things but where is the line drawn? When does modifying the DNA of plants, and covering our produce and plants in pesticides get noticed for the health issues its causing. When do the citizens stand up and protest for the effects on our children and ourselves? Healthy bodies, healthy minds, right? So why wouldn’t we consider what chemicals we are putting in our diet, homes.

 

If we consider the lifestyle we have fallen into, quick easy foods are replacing great home cooked meals, fresh garden produce that is incomparable to grocery stores, a garden is what I want to make, have space for homegrown produce, shop farmer’s markets, buy grains from local farmers or Amish in the area, someday have the land to grow my own fields, I want to farm and learn to cook and prepare foods, give myself and my children the advantage of healthy meals without chemicals or mystery alterations from lab experiments in produce. I want to start running in the mornings. Set my alarm for 4:30, get up and around to run, and be back by 5:30 to shower and get around for work. I want time to help my kids get up in the mornings. Life changing ideas, complete diet change, starting to run early in the morning which I hate mornings, cold, and I’m out of shape horribly so, I need a steps tracker for miles, and to set myself up for starting it right away. Hmm, I’ll use this blog for accountability. I’ll promise to write tomorrow about how my morning run attempt goes.

 

My random rant post Board Meeting with my daughter’s school, trying to get a grip on what I can do to help myself and my girls get a better education and lifestyle.

 

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

 

 

ITSD/Corporate Call/t:607-974-9000/c: 607-794-7068

 

Someone Busier Than You is Running Right Now

First let me make a comment about the phrase that caught my attention in this running mix, “Someone busier than you is running right now” guilt trip right there lol but it did catch my attention. I hope this mix helps motivate you as well.

 

I have found a good running music mix on YouTube and I wanted to share it with my readers J

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NATkj7_gl04

 

I’m trying to talk myself into trying to run. Early mornings or on my lunch hour. Trying to get into shape as the healthy diet I’m on has me gaining weight right now. I’ve gone up 3 sizes and I think it’s time to tone up. I want to have the summer look early. Perhaps go tanning and running till Summer, start a garden as well so that I am outside morning and night watering my plants. Time to live a healthier lifestyle.

 

Good luck with the New Year’s Resolutions, guilt trips, and summer beach body goals. Hope this helps J

 

*~*JEN*~*

Remembering Native American Culture

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_WYLNVSE3U

^Music Track

http://amendairfa.org/About_AIRFA.html

^History of 1978 AIRFA, American Indian Religious Freedom Act.

 

 

I’m taking time today to recognize the Native Americans and their Religious Freedom act passed in 1978. Freedom is a constant battle for even Americans today. I remember stories from my family of the one Native American that married into our family many, many years ago. That and living in NY state, I am very interested in learning about this culture that’s disappearing.

 

The peace of the natural and spiritual culture of these people is something I value. I consider daily taking more natural routes for health and mind. I believe in self talk helping sooth the mind, and of meditation and respect for land and nature. This culture is amazing to learn about and I hope you enjoy my blog and take a minute to learn something new about them.

 

*~*JEN*~*