Looking back at the past two years on the websites I have rediscovered, I’m seeing my ex and my relationship in a whole new way. I cannot be mad at him or blame him. It just didn’t work out and it takes two people to work on a marriage and I failed at things too. I can’t be mad at him, yes it was a horrible year and a half experience, my kids got hurt which is the hardest to forgive, but in the end, it just wasn’t meant to be. I cannot hold onto bitterness forever. I forgive him. Time to just be me and make sure the next time I get involved with someone, I take it much, much slower, and value the dating stage awhile. Not just for me, but for my girls. They understand my ex had his own issues, my oldest talked to me about how she sees things and she’s very smart, I actually learned a lot from how she saw the relationship and told me it’d be okay, and we’d be a happy family without him. I see such strength in her spirit, kindness and a beautifully innocent way of seeing the truth of things. Kids are smart, they pick up on things never said aloud thru actions and body language. It’s why leading by example is the only way to truly raise a child. Yelling and correcting them doesn’t stick, if you want to truly get thru to a child, show them by doing it yourself. Then everything else will come into place.
Sometimes our plans don’t go well, we cannot see the big picture that God does. He has plans we cannot imagine, so putting Him first is the only way to be happy. I believe that in order to be happy I must follow the words and advice in the Bible this time. To wait till marriage is one I’ll struggle with, seems odd to want to recommit myself this way but I believe I’d truly find forever love based on God’s plans if I follow the commandments. I’m not following rules to be “better” or “perfect” or “good” it’s the disasters I’ve gone thru because I didn’t follow this that has me wanted a clean, fresh start. To abstain till I’m married,
When I was 14, I wanted my first kiss to be on my wedding day, the innocent hope for making sure I saved everything of my heart for the one God intended for me, I lost my faith when I was attacked at a youth group event, that changed my mindset towards church and life. I grew up with a controlling father who quietly stayed away from us, never hugged my mother or my sister and I. I never saw the marriage I hoped for, but going to church was my escape, seeing all the happy families, and husbands next to wives gently holding and being sweet to the wife beside him. That kind of love was only at churches in my life, I grew attached to the idea for years, but now that I gave up on my dreams for the past 10 years, I’ve lost the hope and heart I was so hoping to save for the right person. I wanted a church wedding, to never have to choose between my faith, my kids, and my husband. I wanted the peace I found in families that made faith a priority. I’m not sure why this dream has stuck in my heart but I’ll never find my self-pride again unless I follow this dream this time. It’s a lot to ask I realize this, even of my own willpower and I doubt myself all the time on this but I want my fairytale, I don’t want to give myself just to be hurt by the wrong person again. Kind of like my phrase stated, “Would You Wait a Year for the Right Woman?” From here on out, I’m sticking to my values. I want faith to matter and be a priority this time, a lot of issues with past relationships are because my values all stem from my faith and I dated people who didn’t share my faith or values. This caused me to sway and feel badly about who I am afterwards. Experienced 24 year old was never my dream, I just fight to get my heart back, to see it grow back as innocent as it once was, but I’ve lost a part of that forever, can you ever truly start over fresh? I’m not sure, but I want different this time, I want something real, I want to find the person who’d wait for me, treasure getting to know me and not pressure me to give up my values, it’s a lot to ask of even myself let alone another person, but what if it was worth it? What is a year or two waiting if it meant forever happiness? If true love is forever, finding your “best friend” and something beyond what dating has become, than wouldn’t it be worth it?
I ramble a lot when I’m sitting still with time to think over everything, but I know something great is coming from my trials I survived, I’m finding my true passions in life, and I’ll be forever grateful for my mistakes for making me who I am today. To the world I’m a broken person, and the strength and intelligence and inner beauty people see isn’t from me, it’s my faith attracting those who are missing the peace faith brings. It’s why I cannot be mad at my ex or others who hurt me, I drew in the lost people and my flaws allowed it to lead where it did, I am unable to fight my human flaws, powerless to change my human flaws alone, this idea is the start of change, I’ll be someone I’d be proud of becoming someday, right now I think my heart is in the right place, I’d just have no idea why the idea of going back to abstaining has stuck with me now, I’m horrible with self-control in a relationship I’m attached to, I have this all or nothing ideology of a hopeless romantic, seeing forever and the good possibilities from the start, I get high hopes and then get hurt, and looking back, what would my future husband say? What would God say of my mistakes? Forgiveness is wonderful, He won’t remember them after I confess them, but if I am constantly going back to disaster habits, then I’m only hurting myself. I’m brutally honest with myself lately, divorce shook me awake, I think back to how wonderful I was at 13, so innocent, so happy and no trust issues or shame, I can never get that mindset back. I don’t regret my kids or lessons learned but what next? How do I honor my faith and myself if I already have broken my promises for so long? I’m recommitting myself to my faith, this time I’ll make sure I reach out for the only one who can help me change. This is a Brand New Kind of Me, and I will make mistakes, and fall short of my hopes for myself, but if I hold onto my faith in Christ, nothing will sway me from who I am supposed to be. God sees the big picture that I do not. It’s time for me to trust His plans and let go of my false sense of control over my life. I am powerless to change on my own. I need my God to change who I am and this is a process I’m committing myself to.
*~* “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller *~*
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