Wednesday, October 15, 2014

3 AM Confessions

Once again I'm awake staring at the ceiling for hours before my alarm goes off. So much racing thru my mind has me wide awake from 3am until I work at 8:30. Figured perhaps I should write. It seems I have been distracting myself from working on my issues for years. I'm scared of the extreme reactions therapy will bring out. Talking just brings on panic and I cope with old addictions. I hate the silence, it's become my enemy. I don't value myself anymore, or my faith. I feel betrayed by the world and all alone. And worse I have thoughts instilled in my subconscious that it's all my fault. I hate being home alone in that big 'ol house.

There's so much hurt I've survived, why am I so "high functioning" that I hide the inner turmoil so well? I dress up, smile, and pretend I'm ok. Years of whispering daggers in my ear of how worthless I am, possessed by Satan, God will kill my first born, and how I must forgive and drop the past without remorse or a change in how I'm treated. Years of betrayals.... the child who learned "I'm alone" my parents too busy fighting to nurture love, I learned abandonment of emotions. I grew up in crooked churches, learned religion is an excuse for people to control others and get money. I learned guilt, that everything that happened was because I wasn't good enough. I learned that guys take and guys cheat. I learned that being a single mom and busting butt to survive still made me a horrible person. I'm the "cps case" the "bad mom" for working so hard to get out of subsidy and get on my feet. Now I'm the bad person for owning a home and having a job that travels some and for trusting the kids' dad to step up. Life is about chances, change and to continue on.

I've survived 24 years of controlling family, where I was never right or approved of. I am something to take advantage of because I gave so many chances and overlook so much wrongs. I gave love without expectations of it being returned. I got told I made my ex husband feel not good enough, perhaps because I never held his abuse against him, I loved openly and too openly. I overlooked the insults from so many people, overlooked the cheating and gave chances undeserved. I have worked my way from poverty and having nothing to my name a few times. I have stood up to abusers and gave forgiveness unwarranted by any change in actions. I have loved and cared for my girls in the best ways possible for me, I have learned to share responsibilities to ease the stress of my girls and I and I am learning to take the time for myself. So why is it I pull towards finding company? I keep thinking a man will help, if I have someone than I won't have to be so alone. Me against the world type a thing is terrifying and I have no trust in anyone, to be honest, I don't even trust God no more. How is it fair that I have to fight such an uphill battle just to survive? Why is it soo hard to trust the bigger picture? Will giving up dating the modern way really lead me anywhere but alone? What adult man would look twice at me if I am sticking to old methods of dating? Does God really care about me? Sure we all say yes when asked at church, we're all the "perfect christian" at church, hiding the doubts and worries and real life stuff that we all struggle with. I hate feeling like its me versus the world, and that no one is on my side. I don't hear from my family anymore. All I ever was was a car and money to them. I worked very hard and was too giving. I let myself be used for my house, my car, and my income to try and earn their love and time and approvals. Yet here I am with that cut off and now what?

I won't put bills in my name that aren't mine, I won't let my kids be bribed, controlled, insulted, or used as pawns. I put my foot down and learned a very sad truth... I am not respected. My decisions are meaningless to the ones I love. And if I am such a "bad mom" for putting the girls first and making unselfish decisions about what's best for them, then why are my daughters so happy and healthy? Why am I doing so much better now than I was? Yes, being alone is awful and I rather hide at friends' houses then go home, but yet here I am with time to think about myself and where I want to be and I am finding my voice and opinions and hobbies. I am passionate about drawing, and love designs and photography. I am in group for my past and struggles, I go to therapy and I have a sponsor I talk to, someone to relate to and pull thru the hard moments with. I am starting EMDR thursday, it's sensory therapy, an alternative method for suppressed PTSD and trauma. I have been strong too long, trying to do this all alone and as miss independent. Anxiety spikes, everything becomes overwhelming.

My ex-husband is having a baby, why does he get to be happy and move on and I am stuck? Was my unresolved trauma the reason I am alone? or is it why I accepted any relationship hoping it'd solve this lonely feeling? I wanted marriage to fix my issues. I wanted a dream life I haven't worked for. I stood up for myself this spring, going thru the divorce really started to change me. Hitting rock bottom, its either sink or swim right?

I realized, my family took advantage of my separation and hurt. Why was my mom and sister's bills all in my name? How was that fair? Missing money from a joint account, why should I pay into it and still fall short of the bills? I stayed there and suffered ridicule, depression and poor choices under the line of fire as my fault, where was the love and support I was hoping to find? I didn't find it anywhere. I turned to the kids' dad for help, ya he had an agenda too, everyone did. Yet the kids' and I needed out of my moms and on our own again. I fought hard to give my ex husband a second chance, he asked to come home and I caved, sold all I could to get him an apt to come home to, forgave the cheating and hoped for a future, but it didn't end up as honest and loving as I had hoped. I came clean about the time we were separated, he had a girlfriend but I still told him what happened, hoping my honesty would build a foundation someday. Lies destroy all that's left of a relationship.

During my divorce, each time I went to file papers and sign stuff, the months of agony over ending my ideal reality of being an honest woman, married and clean of judgements, all ended in papers. I realized hey, I may have screwed up quite a lot, but look what I do have! 24, own my home completely paid for, own my car, have a decent job with work car included, I have survived single parenting not unscathed but I am standing and my girls are very smart, healthy and loved little girls. I hug them, kiss them, and I'm honest with them. They trust me to be a good mom. I am nurturing my girls emotionally and physically so they won't feel what I felt growing up. I am cutting the ties of the past from our lives and I realized as well that I cannot be a good mom if I don't take care of my past and my trauma. I am using the time away from my kids to work on myself. I am seeking help so that I won't bring my past with me forever, and that I can learn to cope with stress in healthier ways, to let go of what was. I am learning to be honest with where I am at in life right now. I am proud of myself slowly but surely that I am doing my best. Yes I struggle and fail to stick to my promises of changing, but I am seeing slow changes. I still fall into old habits to numb the pain of what I'm fighting to recover from. I don't want to bring baggage with me forever.

I fear being alone, and I fear facing my flaws head on. I simply don't easily change. I try and try to be someone I'm not, but I must accept all of me. I am me. Flaws and all, I am good enough as I am right now to be loved. I do want to be better and that is a process, but anyone would be lucky to have me. I shouldn't feel like I'm so damaged that I'll end up alone. I hear those words echo in my head, I'll die alone like my father, I'm a terrible mom and my kids will never visit me, my baptism means God will kill my first born if I fail and sin again, depression means I'm possessed by Satan, and my attempts as a teen to end things, that never got addressed, my sister's issues got swept under the rug, we dreamt of running away and of foster care, I dreamt of living underground where no one could find me. At least my daughters don't feel like life is already over. And someday I will have to answer for my mistakes and the damage I have done to others, and I know I am far from perfect, but my heart is in the right place about things.

I survive, I pick myself up and try again. I fall into wrong thinking easily. I try to date to hide the pain of being alone. I dread working on my past and I worry about losing my job, house, car, kids, but that's all out of my control. Life happens and life goes on no matter what.

Pick my head up, and use these hours away, these horrible morning hours of nothing but thinking endlessly of all that is going on in my life, but I am here and I am trying. Isn't that all we can do? I cannot change myself, I have tried and tried to change without help, and I fall into the same patterns over and over. Of seeking online dating to fill the time and silences, I found that if I keep busy and stay around friends then I am less likely to fall into old habits. I'm writing this blog because I am tempted to scroll thru the online dating site just to talk to strangers and feel less alone, they reply and compliment my pictures, feels less alone. Fools me into thinking my worth is held in what others think of me, and fills the long empty silences where I'm sad. I'm sad for the loss of my white picket fence. My dream world where I ignored the realities of people around me being toxic, and pretended they cared like I cared. I would give anything for that naive bliss back... Waking up to reality is such a lonely affair. I'm 24, no supportive family, divorced, and I only have my daughters on weekends currently. I can't cope with my depression and anxiety alone, and therapy makes it worse before it gets any better. It's hard work, its lonely, and its dreadful to be this honest with myself. To say to myself the dream isn't real.

I didn't have love, I didn't have approvals, and I am damaged goods. I am stubborn. I am mad at God for my misfortunes, I rather ignore my part in this situation then fix it, and I refuse to consider myself a bad person for my flaws. I am me, I am not very confident, I hate silences and going home alone. I use my cell phone to feel less alone, I am struggling to change this and be more honest.

I've dated people who didn't care about me, and treated me awful and I found even bad company comforting. Anything but this reality that I am needing to work on myself and find peace in the silence someday. To find peace in being alone, to learn to trust the bigger picture of working on things. I don't want to change, but I admit there is a need for change. There has to be something better then this. I do not want to live broken and alone. I do not want my kids to suffer because I refuse to be better. I want to love life again, to be happy and content with where I am at. I want to trust my faith in God again, I want to trust myself again someday. I feel my judgements are so horrible and my flaws just never disappear, that I fear I'm not lovable as I am. I worry my torn heart between right and wrong and willpower and letting go of control will always be a huge battle. Is desire for better enough to save me? Is it enough for hope? The right person will be patient and kind with me.

The daggers of words hanging in my subconscious, those are my demons I fight. I fight the battle between logic and unrealistic thoughts that have become my reality. Perhaps if I am simply honest with how I am that is a good place to start.

This is my 3 AM confessions.