Monday, August 18, 2014

Farewell Past, I Won't Be Back

In a world where we rarely protect ourselves, honor are own beliefs, or admit mistreatment is wrong, many grow up believing that family is allowed to disrespect you because you must honor your parents. Or "good christian's are positive all the time" or sinning after baptism is a curse on your first born.

Twisted misconceptions will ruin the self light we all struggle to hold onto. What about what's good for me? What about living a stress free, or less stressful life and making my own decisions without criticism and hate. I am me, and I may second guess myself for a bit still, but I'm learning to fall in love with myself. Learning to stick to my decisions so that someday I can trust myself again.

Everyone has a past, and I have empathy for those that have gone through trials of their own, I do draw a firm line. Past is not an excuse to abuse others. Hurt people hurt people, but that doesn't make it right. And ya I'm guilt of it too. I'm far from perfect, but I am no hypocrite. I lay out my flaws, sins, and who I am for everyone to see. I am me. Just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean I have no right to set personal boundaries. Who I am doesn't mean I can be cut down, torn apart, and called a bad mom, ect. I don't care who it is, I will no longer tolerate the ignorance that I have no right to stand up for myself, even if that means distancing myself from the causes of stress no matter who it may be. I cannot seek approval from others, and I cannot fix it by changing myself constantly. I am who I am, I will not apologize for any truth, any characteristic of mine, or what I do. I am sorry that agreeing to disagree is so impossible. I am sorry that I dedicated a lifetime to changing to earn approvals I'll never get from anyone else. I am sorry that I tolerated it so long that now I must remove myself in order to stay healthy and sane. But this is me, this is what I need. I wish I had the right things to say, wish I could write a letter and fix it all or that this distance was temporary but as I gain self esteem, confidence, and my health back, I can never go back to how it was. I'm sorry, but its different now. I wish you well, farewell past. You hold some fond memories but this is my new path, new journey now. I can't take you with me anymore.

Goodbye forever, enemy of my happiness, and friend of my misery. I'm setting out to rediscover the world. I won't be back.


Worker's Blog, 8/18/14

Worker's Blog:

Well it's an early Monday morning and I'm in Hilton monitoring an asbestos crew remove windows and caulk. Six am comes early. Summer's starting to fade as the chill in the air reminds us all that fall is coming soon. I'm sitting in a Pre-K classroom at a makeshift office, listening to keys jingle, roofers jack hammering away, and the buzz of workers all around, yet somehow its still quiet among the noise. Weekends fly by, and the summer at home is gone already. As I prepare for traveling again, I think on my weekends and how I'm spending my time.

To many who are on the outside looking in, they wonder how can I take a job like this? A single mom trusting her kids' family? Don't I love my kids? hmm, why yes I adore my kids, I want my daughters to take on sports, to have nice school clothes, be able to do hobbies and teach them about life in the best way possible, showing them its possible to do anything.

I talk to my kids and so does their dad, about my job, that I love them very much and I must travel. Why is it that taking on a a career option is looked at so negatively? Why am I the "bad mom" 'cuz I don't stay home 24/7 and cook, clean, and rely on a man? Oh and BTW to the married people out there, just 'cuz I'm single doesn't mean I'm out to steal husband's and party and be crazy.

My husband cheated and left, so I work twice as hard to achieve the goals I wanted to achieve with him. It sucks to be alone and trying to provide a home for my kids. I spend my free time with my kids, I'm taking time post divorce to recoup and rediscover my own goals. I'm single and doing my best in a new career and as a independent woman. So the next time your nose goes up in the air, remember this, someday this could be you. What if you became a single mom? Can you really say you know I am not doing great if you haven't been in my situation? Let's not judge each other. What I have an issue with is the vicious gossiping and two-faced backstabbing. Aren't we all adults here? What I am not a typical person so I'm a threat to society? I think not. I think I am working on goals that ya'll can't see the outcome of yet. If my kids are happy and healthy and out of daycares, isn't that a good thing? Why does there have to be a "bad parent" and a "good parent" aren't we all parents? Imperfectly doing our best to love and raise our kids? Sometimes there is crappy parents out there who truly don't care, but let's not confuse abusive people with ones who aren't abusive just making rough decisions. Do you think this is my ideal situation? No, no it's not my ideal. I can't handle the pressure to be a superhuman, do it all on my own, don't ask for help, don't trust anyone, what kinda life is that for the kids? Why must we treat each other like failures for doing our best in difficult situations. Isn't it hard enough that I'm divorced and my close family turned on me? Adding poison to the burn doesn't really make any sense. How can loving people do this to their own?

No, this doesn't make sense so yeah I distance myself from it. If you cannot treat me with respect, be honest, and not talk poorly of my decisions behind my back out of jealousy and hate, why would I bother to be around you?

If a stranger treated me this way I'd be furious, so why the misplaced guilt? I'm taking care of myself now, I'm being me now. And if you don't understand or want to hate, well there's the door sweetheart. I bought myself my own rings, cheap Walmart bling but it goes along with my self dates. I am in essence "dating" myself right now. Until I can be happy, there is no way I can make anyone else happy.

So here I am, quietly pondering life, choices, and my love for my kids. Isn't it a grand thing how nothing has to make sense right away?


Friday, August 15, 2014

Being a single mom (or dad) is hard enough without the society pressure of perfection. Let's all take off the superhero capes and admit we're all doing the best we can. I understand doing what you can and not understanding the situation. What upsets me is gossip and judging and hating on others that decided things differently in their situations. Just because you don't think you'd do that same thing, doesn't mean you have the right to judge someone else for doing that. Working, raising kids, and being a young single mom is hard enough without all the pressures from others you trust to be on your side making the guilt worse. Every parent should understand there is a million ways to raise a kid, the goal is controlled perfection, its happy healthy kids and parents. Communities raise kids, and single moms still need a community to help them. No one does it all by themselves, let's stop trying to "Keep up with the Jones" and remember we're all humans with feelings and doing our best. It's how you react to a situation and others that defines your character, let's aim for getting back to the heart of communities and loving each other through trials. Unfortunately life doesn't work in ideals, family is often the worst at accepting your decisions, & they often hurt you the deepest because of this. My stance is if they cannot build you up, move on. Life is too short to be made to feel like a failure all the time. Surround yourself in the positive and keep moving forward. It'll get better. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Doing it all on your own will overwhelm you. Anyone trying to do it all will snap and fall and get stressed out, remember taking care of yourself must come first and don't let anyone talk down to you about your decisions even if you screw up again and again, its not their story, not their path and who are they to judge another?

Overall lets remember we don't know what they went through. Let's be more accepting of each other.


Do You Approve of You?

May became August somehow, How'd that happen? Seems I blinked and summer is gone. I've been through some changes. Family turned on my new found confidence. Started spreading rumors of me being a bad mom now that I work and travel so much. It bothered me a great deal at first, to be uninvited from birthdays and have the kids overhear comments about me, the questions from my daughters about why that was said and is it because mommy got a tattoo? How to explain its not just one thing, its 24 years of hurts and after my divorce I just set my foot down. No more getting walked on and asked to change who I am just to get used, cheated on, stolen from, and told I'll end up alone. Told that my kids won't want to see me, and that the kids' dad is doing a better job then I did. Yet why is the opinion of the few people who aren't even doing well for themselves matter so much? I'm too nice, heart on my sleeve. I sought approval, living in the fantasy of what I wish family was to me, and what my marriage was supposed to be but wasn't. The pretty pictures aren't my reality. I've worked hard, been assigned a summer project to run that had its share of surprises. Figured out I was liaison for the site most days, keeping the peace between contractors. As I developed confidence and experience this summer, I began to notice something. I'm happier without the stress I thought I'd always have around me. It sucks cutting family out. They mean soo much to me, but sometimes I have to be a little selfish. I don't get emotional support from them. I have a dad who doesn't notice anyone, won't talk to me, a mom who gossips about me and lies about situations for her own gain, and a sister whose parroting it all at me as if its her idea. I decided to accept this is my reality. I don't have a great family support system, isn't that obvious? I have busting butt for years to survive and get off welfare and here I am, own my house, own my car, have a career, work car, and no welfare. I'm buckling down on debts and spending time for myself once in awhile too. I have my best friend who I am very thankful for, and spent many great peaceful weekends off with my girls. So yeah I'm gone most weekdays, crazy hours and last min calls for anything at any time. Sounds crazy to accept a job like this, but its the grunt work of environmental jobs, working my way up is the best way to keep a stable home. It's not a permanent solution, but it is working out fantastically. My girls love being out of daycare and with their dad and grandma. So yeah my oldest's biological father isn't the same person, but 5 years of helping raise her has made him just as much her father if not more so 'cuz he's the only one who doesn't abandon the girls. He stepped up for the kids when my ex failed us. It's nice to have the kids stable. I'm not with him, and no one I date is the girls' father figure again, I made that mistake with the ex-husband and had a mess of broken pieces to mend with my daughters. The whirlwind romance crashed and burned, but somehow I'm better then ever and my family didn't attend the wedding, didn't help me through my separation or divorce, and aren't here for me now either. So what am I expecting? Why feel guilty for taking time to just be myself? I've gotten into my single routine lol come home from work, make food, take boots off, curl up on the couch with rented shows from the library, and have half a drink of mike's lemonade, and pass out. My little routine started a few weeks ago, been single for awhile and the dating world has been very disappointing. Yet I'm back online to fish for a good catch, figured hope is the essence of life, right? Decided just because I'm divorced and not talking to my family, doesn't mean I can't be a better version of myself, happy, & know what I want out of life, and I want to be married someday, but to someone I know and cherish, not the rush of a whirlwind of young love, but a love that doesn't fade. I want to be respected and live life stress free, and if that means I must cut out people I love that don't respect me & my right to choose differently then them, then why bother? If a stranger treated me like people I loved did, I'd flip out, so why does family get the exceptions? Why is it that family can make you feel so small and wrong and useless and that feels normal? I'm breaking the cycle of hurt. My girls spend weekdays with their family now, & I'm getting time to rebuild myself again. Its a much needed break for sanity and a new start for my career and life. I'm finding me and finding my path, finding my voice to say hey this is me, this is who I am. 

Sometimes a tragedy forces a new thing to emerge, either play victim or creator of the future years. Give up on explaining the past, or why people treated you the way they did. No answer will ever make it better or change the past. So today, find the positives, find out who you are and who you want to be and never let anyone tell you you're not good enough, or a failure. Only believing others opinions of you leads to failure. This summer I'm coming alive. Finding out this is me, I hope ya'll like it but I'm no longer waiting for approval. I approve of myself. Do you?