Monday, August 18, 2014

Farewell Past, I Won't Be Back

In a world where we rarely protect ourselves, honor are own beliefs, or admit mistreatment is wrong, many grow up believing that family is allowed to disrespect you because you must honor your parents. Or "good christian's are positive all the time" or sinning after baptism is a curse on your first born.

Twisted misconceptions will ruin the self light we all struggle to hold onto. What about what's good for me? What about living a stress free, or less stressful life and making my own decisions without criticism and hate. I am me, and I may second guess myself for a bit still, but I'm learning to fall in love with myself. Learning to stick to my decisions so that someday I can trust myself again.

Everyone has a past, and I have empathy for those that have gone through trials of their own, I do draw a firm line. Past is not an excuse to abuse others. Hurt people hurt people, but that doesn't make it right. And ya I'm guilt of it too. I'm far from perfect, but I am no hypocrite. I lay out my flaws, sins, and who I am for everyone to see. I am me. Just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean I have no right to set personal boundaries. Who I am doesn't mean I can be cut down, torn apart, and called a bad mom, ect. I don't care who it is, I will no longer tolerate the ignorance that I have no right to stand up for myself, even if that means distancing myself from the causes of stress no matter who it may be. I cannot seek approval from others, and I cannot fix it by changing myself constantly. I am who I am, I will not apologize for any truth, any characteristic of mine, or what I do. I am sorry that agreeing to disagree is so impossible. I am sorry that I dedicated a lifetime to changing to earn approvals I'll never get from anyone else. I am sorry that I tolerated it so long that now I must remove myself in order to stay healthy and sane. But this is me, this is what I need. I wish I had the right things to say, wish I could write a letter and fix it all or that this distance was temporary but as I gain self esteem, confidence, and my health back, I can never go back to how it was. I'm sorry, but its different now. I wish you well, farewell past. You hold some fond memories but this is my new path, new journey now. I can't take you with me anymore.

Goodbye forever, enemy of my happiness, and friend of my misery. I'm setting out to rediscover the world. I won't be back.

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