This anxious roller coaster ride. Up, down, angry, scared. Helpless like a trapped animal as my things, house, life, cats, custody, school, pride, disappear. It's all gone. I pace the loop of rooms. The people I've met are such beautiful people. Intelligent misfits on a low point, but honest, pure, beautiful souls. I rattle this mental cage. I want out. Glimmer of hope Dr and case worker have no reason to keep me. Is this it? Am I ready? I've lost everything & so much has to change. I tuck my AA coin into my shirt next to my heart. It's time to put me first, be honest, get clean, write, love my city, get a tiny loft studio in city, get my mind better. I can't be full time mom, don't hate me, I love them & this is why I must decide to be healthy first. Three days in bsu, 5 of really hard decisions. I've had to drop the selfishness, drop my pride & put me first. Can anyone respect that? I'll never fully know if I am ready to be proud of myself until I try. Here I am with ticking hours. I'll miss the stone porch in the rain, barefoot. I felt alive just thrilled to be outside. I am ready to live again.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Nothing but a white page. Blue and white blankets and sheets. They even have ice cream. The man doesn't know his mind's gone walks down the hall with no underwear. Voices and stories all around. How oddly empty this room is. Food was good delivered and quickly gone. Grateful for paper and a pen she writes to avoid digging holes in her skin from nerves. Anxiety is high today. "I'm being admitted what does this mean?" Stephanie worries to herself. There's no TV, no cords, cops in the hall guarding the doors of the person next door. It's a holding cell for the misfits & sleep would be heaven sent, but it's hiding from me. So alone with these racing thoughts. Scared to start seeing & hearing more unreal. Did I really plan to not be around? Can't I just be okay? A laugh of tiny good moment, a guard singing. Blissful sleep, music and a car. . . Yeah I just didn't want to suffer anymore, but I want to live well. The fight in my mind is real. I never wanted to hurt family, my kids, but it's possible if I was left alone & I can't live with friends forever. I need to get better. Why is there no light switch? Wish I could sleep. Wish I had my klonopine & a nap. Whys the wristband so long? This is a long anxious wait. I'm a little unsteady, hold onto me. Mommas only gone for a moment. I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Valeo, valeo, be strong, love Latin. Ex cinerbas resurgam. I will rise from the ashes. I will not go to sleep forever in a car to music because I will get better & I have things, ppl, and myself to live for. I'm thankful, I'm thankful. I have a support group around me. I'm proud to be alive. I'm proud of myself to get help & have support around me. Scary that high functioning with support group of friends and family isn't enough to keep it away from that dark unknown. I'm thankful she took me seriously. That she saw thru it cuz I wasn't going to say anything same time I was scared to leave myself alone. Smart ppl can still be unstable we just slip thru the cracks. Wow this anxiety is high ugh... I just want sleep. .. Oh sweet zombie quiet state of bliss. Mind be quiet I can't deal with this.