This anxious roller coaster ride. Up, down, angry, scared. Helpless like a trapped animal as my things, house, life, cats, custody, school, pride, disappear. It's all gone. I pace the loop of rooms. The people I've met are such beautiful people. Intelligent misfits on a low point, but honest, pure, beautiful souls. I rattle this mental cage. I want out. Glimmer of hope Dr and case worker have no reason to keep me. Is this it? Am I ready? I've lost everything & so much has to change. I tuck my AA coin into my shirt next to my heart. It's time to put me first, be honest, get clean, write, love my city, get a tiny loft studio in city, get my mind better. I can't be full time mom, don't hate me, I love them & this is why I must decide to be healthy first. Three days in bsu, 5 of really hard decisions. I've had to drop the selfishness, drop my pride & put me first. Can anyone respect that? I'll never fully know if I am ready to be proud of myself until I try. Here I am with ticking hours. I'll miss the stone porch in the rain, barefoot. I felt alive just thrilled to be outside. I am ready to live again.