Friday, August 15, 2014

Do You Approve of You?

May became August somehow, How'd that happen? Seems I blinked and summer is gone. I've been through some changes. Family turned on my new found confidence. Started spreading rumors of me being a bad mom now that I work and travel so much. It bothered me a great deal at first, to be uninvited from birthdays and have the kids overhear comments about me, the questions from my daughters about why that was said and is it because mommy got a tattoo? How to explain its not just one thing, its 24 years of hurts and after my divorce I just set my foot down. No more getting walked on and asked to change who I am just to get used, cheated on, stolen from, and told I'll end up alone. Told that my kids won't want to see me, and that the kids' dad is doing a better job then I did. Yet why is the opinion of the few people who aren't even doing well for themselves matter so much? I'm too nice, heart on my sleeve. I sought approval, living in the fantasy of what I wish family was to me, and what my marriage was supposed to be but wasn't. The pretty pictures aren't my reality. I've worked hard, been assigned a summer project to run that had its share of surprises. Figured out I was liaison for the site most days, keeping the peace between contractors. As I developed confidence and experience this summer, I began to notice something. I'm happier without the stress I thought I'd always have around me. It sucks cutting family out. They mean soo much to me, but sometimes I have to be a little selfish. I don't get emotional support from them. I have a dad who doesn't notice anyone, won't talk to me, a mom who gossips about me and lies about situations for her own gain, and a sister whose parroting it all at me as if its her idea. I decided to accept this is my reality. I don't have a great family support system, isn't that obvious? I have busting butt for years to survive and get off welfare and here I am, own my house, own my car, have a career, work car, and no welfare. I'm buckling down on debts and spending time for myself once in awhile too. I have my best friend who I am very thankful for, and spent many great peaceful weekends off with my girls. So yeah I'm gone most weekdays, crazy hours and last min calls for anything at any time. Sounds crazy to accept a job like this, but its the grunt work of environmental jobs, working my way up is the best way to keep a stable home. It's not a permanent solution, but it is working out fantastically. My girls love being out of daycare and with their dad and grandma. So yeah my oldest's biological father isn't the same person, but 5 years of helping raise her has made him just as much her father if not more so 'cuz he's the only one who doesn't abandon the girls. He stepped up for the kids when my ex failed us. It's nice to have the kids stable. I'm not with him, and no one I date is the girls' father figure again, I made that mistake with the ex-husband and had a mess of broken pieces to mend with my daughters. The whirlwind romance crashed and burned, but somehow I'm better then ever and my family didn't attend the wedding, didn't help me through my separation or divorce, and aren't here for me now either. So what am I expecting? Why feel guilty for taking time to just be myself? I've gotten into my single routine lol come home from work, make food, take boots off, curl up on the couch with rented shows from the library, and have half a drink of mike's lemonade, and pass out. My little routine started a few weeks ago, been single for awhile and the dating world has been very disappointing. Yet I'm back online to fish for a good catch, figured hope is the essence of life, right? Decided just because I'm divorced and not talking to my family, doesn't mean I can't be a better version of myself, happy, & know what I want out of life, and I want to be married someday, but to someone I know and cherish, not the rush of a whirlwind of young love, but a love that doesn't fade. I want to be respected and live life stress free, and if that means I must cut out people I love that don't respect me & my right to choose differently then them, then why bother? If a stranger treated me like people I loved did, I'd flip out, so why does family get the exceptions? Why is it that family can make you feel so small and wrong and useless and that feels normal? I'm breaking the cycle of hurt. My girls spend weekdays with their family now, & I'm getting time to rebuild myself again. Its a much needed break for sanity and a new start for my career and life. I'm finding me and finding my path, finding my voice to say hey this is me, this is who I am. 

Sometimes a tragedy forces a new thing to emerge, either play victim or creator of the future years. Give up on explaining the past, or why people treated you the way they did. No answer will ever make it better or change the past. So today, find the positives, find out who you are and who you want to be and never let anyone tell you you're not good enough, or a failure. Only believing others opinions of you leads to failure. This summer I'm coming alive. Finding out this is me, I hope ya'll like it but I'm no longer waiting for approval. I approve of myself. Do you? 

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