Thursday, February 27, 2014

Why I Didn't Run Today

This is life when the fantasy falls away. Waking up to reality. Divorce is such an ugly word. Meaningless wedding, can’t have happily ever after with only one person trying. Did I give up too soon? I’ll always wonder this. How can I walk away without torment? It’s impossible. It’s not that I miss what was, I miss what never happened, never existed. Life isn’t a fairytale, marriage doesn’t just work out. I didn’t know who he truly was, I wasn’t ready to battle such wars against addictions, deceit and betrayal. I pulled my weight long as I could, perhaps I’m weak. I know I can’t do it on my own. I’m turning to God for help, bring Him my tears and broken heart. Where did I go wrong? I didn’t put  God first in my fairytale. I’m fighting depression, dragging myself out of bed in the mornings, no patience, no smiles, I have my moments of happiness but then reality hits me in the face again. Money issues, struggling thru as a single mom of two kids by different dads. Such shame and guilt is binding me, I hate who I have become. I’m a stranger to most people, unreliable, a solitude hermit, I’m hiding from life. It’s too hard to wake up some times. I get what needs to be done, done, but with less spunk and spirit. I’m here but barely smiling. I’m falling apart. Sick of being hurt, sick of how life has gone. I’m taking a break from people but that doesn’t seem to be helping anything either. I’m just stuck in this moment of tears, crying like I haven’t done since I found out about the other girl, I lost my job because of that, and now I’m here at a better job, but will this despair be the ruin of me? Today I cannot hide behind a mask, today I’m just hurting, disappointed in myself, and wanting help and comfort, something to make the nights less long, and mornings more cheerful. I attempted to run, got the stuff out and everything but -4 degrees is so discouraging. I want to run from this pain, perhaps I can gain the discipline to run in the mornings. It’s calling to me. I’m not sure why but my heart is longing to run, my body thinks I’m crazy, I’m out of shape, hate mornings and 4:30am is absolutely nuts, but I cleaned out my closet last night, found my running outfit, and set it out on my bed in sight. It’s calling to me. Is this the answer to my plea for mornings to be easier? How will this help? I’m not sure, but perhaps tomorrow I’ll get up and try. I’m not certain that I want to run, especially in the winter, out of shape, in the mornings, but it’s on my mind. Perhaps it’s the answer to my mornings of dragging myself along? The energy I’m needing and don’t have? I’m a step closer today, perhaps tomorrow morning I’ll try again. The issue is the word try, I lack the conviction to accomplish this unwilling task. No one wants to run in winter, early mornings, not at first. So I need motivation to force myself to start this. I’ll keep a journal of my days on here. Perhaps my struggles will help another reader get out there and try something they haven’t been able to try. Every day is a new day. I’ll have another chance tomorrow.



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