Just a Word 7/15/17

Music,
Vibes,
Freestyles

Eyes,
Close,
Breathing

Walking,
Lost,
Miles

Create,
Paint,
Teasing

Words,
Soul,
Paper,

Poem,
Meet,
Maker.

Familiar Eyes 06/16/17

Sitting alone one afternoon along came a girl,

Pretty in a familiar neighborly way,

Sad haunted eyes with an honest smile,

Attempting politeness I ask How's yr day,

A quiet shy reply answers me with I'm okay,

A glimmer in her expression as it sparkles,

I ask her to sit with me a moment to wait,

She engages my mind in lively marvels,

I seem to feel like we've met before this,

I finally muster the courage to ask if we've met,

A smirk crosses her lips only to disappear,

Replying you knew me well & will know me,

I blink and she's gone I glance around in fear,

Where'd this beautiful soul go?

Was I dreaming it all?

Realizing I'm no longer on the bench,

I stumble off my bed and fall,

In front of me a mirror I glance up,

Into familiar eyes.

Shotgun or Heartbreak? 💔 

Shotgun must have gone off,
Pain unbearably real & vivid,
Pinch my skin say I'm asleep,
Full of hate & ache I'm livid,

Where is the gushing blood,
Where are the holes & wounds,
Where's the shell or dirt & mud,
Feelings pouring out like a flood,

Who knew heartache could kill you,
I am dying right?
I need stitches, surgery, glue,
Did I lose the war or just this fight?

Is all really fair in love & war?
Pain & hate just means it was real,
Deep inside my core it was true to me at least,
I'm alive & hate is just love coming out to feel.


Is this the exit to somewhere

This anxious roller coaster ride. Up, down, angry, scared. Helpless like a trapped animal as my things, house, life, cats, custody, school, pride, disappear. It's all gone. I pace the loop of rooms. The people I've met are such beautiful people. Intelligent misfits on a low point, but honest, pure, beautiful souls. I rattle this mental cage. I want out. Glimmer of hope Dr and case worker have no reason to keep me. Is this it? Am I ready? I've lost everything & so much has to change. I tuck my AA coin into my shirt next to my heart. It's time to put me first, be honest, get clean, write, love my city, get a tiny loft studio in city, get my mind better. I can't be full time mom, don't hate me, I love them & this is why I must decide to be healthy first. Three days in bsu, 5 of really hard decisions. I've had to drop the selfishness, drop my pride & put me first. Can anyone respect that? I'll never fully know if I am ready to be proud of myself until I try. Here I am with ticking hours. I'll miss the stone porch in the rain, barefoot. I felt alive just thrilled to be outside. I am ready to live again.

A moment in my mind

Nothing but a white page. Blue and white blankets and sheets. They even have ice cream. The man doesn't know his mind's gone walks down the hall with no underwear. Voices and stories all around. How oddly empty this room is. Food was good delivered and quickly gone. Grateful for paper and a pen she writes to avoid digging holes in her skin from nerves. Anxiety is high today. "I'm being admitted what does this mean?" Stephanie worries to herself. There's no TV, no cords, cops in the hall guarding the doors of the person next door. It's a holding cell for the misfits & sleep would be heaven sent, but it's hiding from me. So alone with these racing thoughts. Scared to start seeing & hearing more unreal. Did I really plan to not be around? Can't I just be okay? A laugh of tiny good moment, a guard singing. Blissful sleep, music and a car. . . Yeah I just didn't want to suffer anymore, but I want to live well. The fight in my mind is real. I never wanted to hurt family, my kids, but it's possible if I was left alone & I can't live with friends forever. I need to get better. Why is there no light switch? Wish I could sleep. Wish I had my klonopine & a nap. Whys the wristband so long? This is a long anxious wait. I'm a little unsteady, hold onto me. Mommas only gone for a moment. I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me. Valeo, valeo, be strong, love Latin. Ex cinerbas resurgam. I will rise from the ashes. I will not go to sleep forever in a car to music because I will get better & I have things, ppl, and myself to live for. I'm thankful, I'm thankful. I have a support group around me. I'm proud to be alive. I'm proud of myself to get help & have support around me. Scary that high functioning with support group of friends and family isn't enough to keep it away from that dark unknown. I'm thankful she took me seriously. That she saw thru it cuz I wasn't going to say anything same time I was scared to leave myself alone. Smart ppl can still be unstable we just slip thru the cracks. Wow this anxiety is high ugh... I just want sleep. .. Oh sweet zombie quiet state of bliss.  Mind be quiet I can't deal with this.

Water ripples chpt3

Stephanie sat in the coffee shop with a warm cinnamon bun and lemon tea charging her phone. She's come far from where she was a few weeks ago. From fancy dinners with her rich wannabe boyfriend to being homeless sleeping at the river camp spot she found and barely staying in school. Now she's here with her wifi only phone still in school holding on. Jade and her got close again only to lose touch after a huge fight with her boyfriend treating her terribly. She was scared to run away like that just to get rid of him but it worked so far. Still camping out but she kinda liked the peace and quiet. She glanced up from her phone and saw those hazel eyes looking at her. Christopher had kept being a mystery but she hadn't seen him in weeks after that fateful day at the dinner with Jade where she ran away that night. Not even at school. Christopher suddenly spoke up. "How are you?" With concern in his eyes. He sat down as she began to cry. Everything came spilling out down her cheeks and from the withheld place she had buried for weeks. How her boyfriend's comments about Jade lead to the fight. How it got physical at home and Jade didn't reply to messages for help and her family took her boyfriend's side. There was no one and no place to go. Lost her job and everything she owned. She's been living at a campsite trying to stay in school. She felt helpless and like a huge embarrassment. A gentle look in his eyes he told her to come walk with him. Offered her a couch to stay and a place to wash up. Stephanie thought about refusing but something in those gentle eyes pulled her in. She found herself walking beside him out the door.

Who Am I?

This heart is made of shattered glass,
Slushie of emotions blended to puree,
Happy souls I'm always walking past,
Lonely gloomy cloudy skies of today,

Is my existence despicable,
Who Am I?

The eager to please bleeding heart run dry,
My vision blurred by storms from my sky,
Soft words whispering as I keep falling,
My soul searching for home keeps calling,

No where found,
Who Am I?

Cycles of Light

The words bounce around inside,
Reverberate in the mind's eye,
Getting stuck in the night sky,
The sunlight lost and slow,

Echoes of truth wrapping fear,
Invigorate the dark to stir,
The future begins to blur,
Has all hope gone astray,

Chasing sunlight into day,
Stimulates a happy response,
As if night is nonchalance,
Can night be forgotten?

Fall Like Snow

Snow covered mountains

Mountains of white,
Spinning in soft, slow circles,
Heavenly moment frozen in time,
I'm getting older,

It's hard to see,
Your arms around me,
Dancing purple suit,
Landslide bring you down,

Children get older,
You got older too,
What I wouldn't give,
For one more dance with you.

What Is Love Really?

Perfection is never the point, never was the point for anyone. Honesty, open, a beautifully flawed soul that knows weaknesses & doesn't want to change the other person. That is the point. It's the dream people give up on finding in anyone. The person that sees you, truly sees you & brings out the best, accepts the worst, & can say this is who I am. That's the most beautiful part of human existence. I can't settle for anything less.

~ to my muse ~

Poetry Day Poem

I'm quickly running out of time,

Why does everything have to rhyme,

Jotting down quick this cheesy little line,

But least I can say this ditty is all mine,

A poem for poetry day odd as a nine second vine.

What Never Fades Away

Butterflies that one message brings,
Tears passing memories on the road,
Regret of the words that still stings,
Fear of being stuck on you, stuck untold.

; Never Finished Writing

Creative writing, yes it's confusing to most.

How does words on paper make a writer? Isn't there requirements to be a "real" writer?

"Well if you write then it must be on a topic or same types of topics."

And my favorite assumption, if you're not being paid then logic of most muggles is that there is such a thing as a fake writer.

Oh jeez... the amount of sarcasm & comments I bite back I should win a metal. Lol so who decided that things and talents and ppl came in predetermined boxes anyways? The limits of the mind are a choice! Nothing is impossible with a little willpower & determination.

Ya, I'm one of "those ppl"

I write everything & its public. I am openly myself, and I'm learning to accept it. I'll never be a neat freak, there's dishes in my sink, clothes from the dryer rarely find their way home & sleep on the floor, I rather wander or do something with my kids then detail clean. I work and stress is my enemy, so I take care of myself & make time a priority with the ppl I care about.

Riches aren't things you can buy, it's the little things we take for granted. A child's innocent & honest chatter, the toddler meltdowns, the back to school errands, the bills knocking on my door, someday the details I tend to dread won't be around & if I don't cherish every moment along the way, I'll wake up realizing I missed my life planning it.

There's an odd peace settling in my soul. With scary, terribly stressful issues all around me, I'm finding my heart calm. I'm loving my memories, good & bad for getting me here, I'm treasuring where I am at, who I am, & what I have. Because life is messy, people are imperfect and hurt other people, issues are always sneaking up. I can either focus on the negative or celebrate the positive I do have.

Although my heart aches for things like second chances, lost loves, & to rewind time & decisions, I've learned to recognize its okay to choose to be happy & still miss the good memories of the past. I've had rocky ups & downs & still do, but there's life in living presently in today. Freedom & a relaxing awareness of things as they are being perfectly imperfect. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but I'm enjoying every step, misstep, & circles I take.

Writers simply are.
Writing simply is.
Life simply continues wonderfully.

Choices lead to paths we didn't know we'd take, & its creating a life we never could guess would be ours, yet there's soo much beauty in life beyond are limited imaginations. Mystery is a great adventure. Never give up.

; Jenah Resurgam

Blurb on dating

Relationships are counterproductive to my career. Every time I'm dating I make less cuz I get emotional over the fighting dating bs. And let's face it, it's near impossible to date without the bs. Fighting over hurt feelings, that jealousy over so n so, fighting over random stuff that makes no sense. Drama, that stresses me out & hurts my job abilities, & trying to make someone else happy isn't something I can do.

Date me as I am & leave the nonsense or don't date me. I'm not a fling, notch on a belt, or the typical housewife. I'm stubborn, independent, & smart. So I'm the quote & quote hard to date kind. I'm learning I have no patience for a guy who is insecure, dominant, controlling, anxiety ridden, ya ya I got issues & there's no such thing as perfect. I know that.

I'm saying I can't date just any kind of way. Six months single so far, it gets easier daily. Ya I miss things, ppl, thoughts of what ifs, but I'm content in the peace of singleness. I see my friends, do what I want, don't need to ask permission or consider an significant other's feelings, I am free. New concept, relaxing away from "finding the one" such a stupid notion put in girls minds that doesn't exist. You find what work you've put into yourself. Can't attract someone you should & need without working on self first. Seeking to fill that void is a crash & burn. The "try harder stupid" line from Hitch: TRUTH!

I'm no hookup, treat me like one & adios! I got better things to do with my time. So ya, dating isn't out of style, but if a man ain't trying to take you somewhere nice, he's not trying to date you sweetheart. He's trying to get it & quit it. Don't lower your standards just to be not alone. 'Cuz real catches are a prize not a free hand out. Class, dignity, respect. It's not playing games to make a guy wait for sex in the beginning. If he hasn't made clear intentions to be your man & shown you he can take you on a date, he's saying your not worth his time. It's not about girls are after his cash, it's about the proper way to be treated. Perspective ladies. Keep you're standards. Being the best you can be and letting things happen. Trust in the process :)

Dating isn't hopeless. Just learn to be single and love yourself first. Don't lower your standards, & have fun going on dates. You'll be the classy lady everyone wants to date soon enough! Chin up! And remember life is happening now. Don't miss today waiting for tomorrow.

"Q:What Topic Do I write About?"

It comes whenever it wishes. I just add it to pages. Writing is alive, a beast all of its own. I'm just trying to tame it to ink and paper.

Memories of You

When it fades away,
Into the night,

Polished rough edges,
Like ocean glass,

It changes ever,
So slowly & surely,

Till it exists in,
A newest form,

It's lost its sharpest,
Sting & ache,

Yet even time,
Worn & faded,

The questions unanswered,
Haunt the darkness,

Never the same,
But never gone,

Memories of You.

*~*Jenah Resurgam*~*

Like bricks

A brick wall is built solid with mortar & clay,

Laying down one brick after another until it towers above,

It sets in time with many bricks meant to stay,

Just like the wall memories cannot be easily undone,

Created a little at a time & day by day,

Towering around us they cannot be ignored,

Love doesn't die

Here I am listening to bands,
Tonight all I can think of is how this was our dream, to support bands & local businesses & to be self employed someday chasing our dreams, every time I see a white van, every time I smoke, every time I snuggle our cats, you never left. It's been months and you're still here. Everything I do, I just wish you had felt the same, I wish you never gave up on me. You're still here every day. I wish I could take back angry words, I wish there was some fix to this. I still miss you, I still love you.

Bad Mood

This feeling creeping in,
Starts like pain behind my eyes,

Tense,
Why did they cut me off?
Why can't that chick get it?
It's building like a volcano,

Hide,
I can't handle society,
I can't handle people,
I'm not in the mood,

Explode,
Pushed too far I snap,
Crazy is showing now,
Heat climbing I forget,

Aftermath,
All my warnings ignored,
Crumbled mess leftover,
Can't unsay those things,

Headache and temperature subside,
Welcome to the struggle of a bad mood.

This Blank White Page

A writer's enemy,
This blank white page,
Thoughts bouncing around my head,
Fans working to cool unrelenting humidity,
What if I don't know what to write,
Is it always for competition & recognition?
This quiet before the storm,
Maybe writing can simply be,
Can simply exist,
This blank white page.