What Never Fades Away

Butterflies that one message brings,
Tears passing memories on the road,
Regret of the words that still stings,
Fear of being stuck on you, stuck untold.

; Never Finished Writing

Creative writing, yes it's confusing to most.

How does words on paper make a writer? Isn't there requirements to be a "real" writer?

"Well if you write then it must be on a topic or same types of topics."

And my favorite assumption, if you're not being paid then logic of most muggles is that there is such a thing as a fake writer.

Oh jeez... the amount of sarcasm & comments I bite back I should win a metal. Lol so who decided that things and talents and ppl came in predetermined boxes anyways? The limits of the mind are a choice! Nothing is impossible with a little willpower & determination.

Ya, I'm one of "those ppl"

I write everything & its public. I am openly myself, and I'm learning to accept it. I'll never be a neat freak, there's dishes in my sink, clothes from the dryer rarely find their way home & sleep on the floor, I rather wander or do something with my kids then detail clean. I work and stress is my enemy, so I take care of myself & make time a priority with the ppl I care about.

Riches aren't things you can buy, it's the little things we take for granted. A child's innocent & honest chatter, the toddler meltdowns, the back to school errands, the bills knocking on my door, someday the details I tend to dread won't be around & if I don't cherish every moment along the way, I'll wake up realizing I missed my life planning it.

There's an odd peace settling in my soul. With scary, terribly stressful issues all around me, I'm finding my heart calm. I'm loving my memories, good & bad for getting me here, I'm treasuring where I am at, who I am, & what I have. Because life is messy, people are imperfect and hurt other people, issues are always sneaking up. I can either focus on the negative or celebrate the positive I do have.

Although my heart aches for things like second chances, lost loves, & to rewind time & decisions, I've learned to recognize its okay to choose to be happy & still miss the good memories of the past. I've had rocky ups & downs & still do, but there's life in living presently in today. Freedom & a relaxing awareness of things as they are being perfectly imperfect. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but I'm enjoying every step, misstep, & circles I take.

Writers simply are.
Writing simply is.
Life simply continues wonderfully.

Choices lead to paths we didn't know we'd take, & its creating a life we never could guess would be ours, yet there's soo much beauty in life beyond are limited imaginations. Mystery is a great adventure. Never give up.

; Jenah Resurgam

Blurb on dating

Relationships are counterproductive to my career. Every time I'm dating I make less cuz I get emotional over the fighting dating bs. And let's face it, it's near impossible to date without the bs. Fighting over hurt feelings, that jealousy over so n so, fighting over random stuff that makes no sense. Drama, that stresses me out & hurts my job abilities, & trying to make someone else happy isn't something I can do.

Date me as I am & leave the nonsense or don't date me. I'm not a fling, notch on a belt, or the typical housewife. I'm stubborn, independent, & smart. So I'm the quote & quote hard to date kind. I'm learning I have no patience for a guy who is insecure, dominant, controlling, anxiety ridden, ya ya I got issues & there's no such thing as perfect. I know that.

I'm saying I can't date just any kind of way. Six months single so far, it gets easier daily. Ya I miss things, ppl, thoughts of what ifs, but I'm content in the peace of singleness. I see my friends, do what I want, don't need to ask permission or consider an significant other's feelings, I am free. New concept, relaxing away from "finding the one" such a stupid notion put in girls minds that doesn't exist. You find what work you've put into yourself. Can't attract someone you should & need without working on self first. Seeking to fill that void is a crash & burn. The "try harder stupid" line from Hitch: TRUTH!

I'm no hookup, treat me like one & adios! I got better things to do with my time. So ya, dating isn't out of style, but if a man ain't trying to take you somewhere nice, he's not trying to date you sweetheart. He's trying to get it & quit it. Don't lower your standards just to be not alone. 'Cuz real catches are a prize not a free hand out. Class, dignity, respect. It's not playing games to make a guy wait for sex in the beginning. If he hasn't made clear intentions to be your man & shown you he can take you on a date, he's saying your not worth his time. It's not about girls are after his cash, it's about the proper way to be treated. Perspective ladies. Keep you're standards. Being the best you can be and letting things happen. Trust in the process :)

Dating isn't hopeless. Just learn to be single and love yourself first. Don't lower your standards, & have fun going on dates. You'll be the classy lady everyone wants to date soon enough! Chin up! And remember life is happening now. Don't miss today waiting for tomorrow.

"Q:What Topic Do I write About?"

It comes whenever it wishes. I just add it to pages. Writing is alive, a beast all of its own. I'm just trying to tame it to ink and paper.

Memories of You

When it fades away,
Into the night,

Polished rough edges,
Like ocean glass,

It changes ever,
So slowly & surely,

Till it exists in,
A newest form,

It's lost its sharpest,
Sting & ache,

Yet even time,
Worn & faded,

The questions unanswered,
Haunt the darkness,

Never the same,
But never gone,

Memories of You.

*~*Jenah Resurgam*~*

Like bricks

A brick wall is built solid with mortar & clay,

Laying down one brick after another until it towers above,

It sets in time with many bricks meant to stay,

Just like the wall memories cannot be easily undone,

Created a little at a time & day by day,

Towering around us they cannot be ignored,

Love doesn't die

Here I am listening to bands,
Tonight all I can think of is how this was our dream, to support bands & local businesses & to be self employed someday chasing our dreams, every time I see a white van, every time I smoke, every time I snuggle our cats, you never left. It's been months and you're still here. Everything I do, I just wish you had felt the same, I wish you never gave up on me. You're still here every day. I wish I could take back angry words, I wish there was some fix to this. I still miss you, I still love you.

Bad Mood

This feeling creeping in,
Starts like pain behind my eyes,

Tense,
Why did they cut me off?
Why can't that chick get it?
It's building like a volcano,

Hide,
I can't handle society,
I can't handle people,
I'm not in the mood,

Explode,
Pushed too far I snap,
Crazy is showing now,
Heat climbing I forget,

Aftermath,
All my warnings ignored,
Crumbled mess leftover,
Can't unsay those things,

Headache and temperature subside,
Welcome to the struggle of a bad mood.

This Blank White Page

A writer's enemy,
This blank white page,
Thoughts bouncing around my head,
Fans working to cool unrelenting humidity,
What if I don't know what to write,
Is it always for competition & recognition?
This quiet before the storm,
Maybe writing can simply be,
Can simply exist,
This blank white page.

3 AM Confessions

Once again I'm awake staring at the ceiling for hours before my alarm goes off. So much racing thru my mind has me wide awake from 3am until I work at 8:30. Figured perhaps I should write. It seems I have been distracting myself from working on my issues for years. I'm scared of the extreme reactions therapy will bring out. Talking just brings on panic and I cope with old addictions. I hate the silence, it's become my enemy. I don't value myself anymore, or my faith. I feel betrayed by the world and all alone. And worse I have thoughts instilled in my subconscious that it's all my fault. I hate being home alone in that big 'ol house.

There's so much hurt I've survived, why am I so "high functioning" that I hide the inner turmoil so well? I dress up, smile, and pretend I'm ok. Years of whispering daggers in my ear of how worthless I am, possessed by Satan, God will kill my first born, and how I must forgive and drop the past without remorse or a change in how I'm treated. Years of betrayals.... the child who learned "I'm alone" my parents too busy fighting to nurture love, I learned abandonment of emotions. I grew up in crooked churches, learned religion is an excuse for people to control others and get money. I learned guilt, that everything that happened was because I wasn't good enough. I learned that guys take and guys cheat. I learned that being a single mom and busting butt to survive still made me a horrible person. I'm the "cps case" the "bad mom" for working so hard to get out of subsidy and get on my feet. Now I'm the bad person for owning a home and having a job that travels some and for trusting the kids' dad to step up. Life is about chances, change and to continue on.

I've survived 24 years of controlling family, where I was never right or approved of. I am something to take advantage of because I gave so many chances and overlook so much wrongs. I gave love without expectations of it being returned. I got told I made my ex husband feel not good enough, perhaps because I never held his abuse against him, I loved openly and too openly. I overlooked the insults from so many people, overlooked the cheating and gave chances undeserved. I have worked my way from poverty and having nothing to my name a few times. I have stood up to abusers and gave forgiveness unwarranted by any change in actions. I have loved and cared for my girls in the best ways possible for me, I have learned to share responsibilities to ease the stress of my girls and I and I am learning to take the time for myself. So why is it I pull towards finding company? I keep thinking a man will help, if I have someone than I won't have to be so alone. Me against the world type a thing is terrifying and I have no trust in anyone, to be honest, I don't even trust God no more. How is it fair that I have to fight such an uphill battle just to survive? Why is it soo hard to trust the bigger picture? Will giving up dating the modern way really lead me anywhere but alone? What adult man would look twice at me if I am sticking to old methods of dating? Does God really care about me? Sure we all say yes when asked at church, we're all the "perfect christian" at church, hiding the doubts and worries and real life stuff that we all struggle with. I hate feeling like its me versus the world, and that no one is on my side. I don't hear from my family anymore. All I ever was was a car and money to them. I worked very hard and was too giving. I let myself be used for my house, my car, and my income to try and earn their love and time and approvals. Yet here I am with that cut off and now what?

I won't put bills in my name that aren't mine, I won't let my kids be bribed, controlled, insulted, or used as pawns. I put my foot down and learned a very sad truth... I am not respected. My decisions are meaningless to the ones I love. And if I am such a "bad mom" for putting the girls first and making unselfish decisions about what's best for them, then why are my daughters so happy and healthy? Why am I doing so much better now than I was? Yes, being alone is awful and I rather hide at friends' houses then go home, but yet here I am with time to think about myself and where I want to be and I am finding my voice and opinions and hobbies. I am passionate about drawing, and love designs and photography. I am in group for my past and struggles, I go to therapy and I have a sponsor I talk to, someone to relate to and pull thru the hard moments with. I am starting EMDR thursday, it's sensory therapy, an alternative method for suppressed PTSD and trauma. I have been strong too long, trying to do this all alone and as miss independent. Anxiety spikes, everything becomes overwhelming.

My ex-husband is having a baby, why does he get to be happy and move on and I am stuck? Was my unresolved trauma the reason I am alone? or is it why I accepted any relationship hoping it'd solve this lonely feeling? I wanted marriage to fix my issues. I wanted a dream life I haven't worked for. I stood up for myself this spring, going thru the divorce really started to change me. Hitting rock bottom, its either sink or swim right?

I realized, my family took advantage of my separation and hurt. Why was my mom and sister's bills all in my name? How was that fair? Missing money from a joint account, why should I pay into it and still fall short of the bills? I stayed there and suffered ridicule, depression and poor choices under the line of fire as my fault, where was the love and support I was hoping to find? I didn't find it anywhere. I turned to the kids' dad for help, ya he had an agenda too, everyone did. Yet the kids' and I needed out of my moms and on our own again. I fought hard to give my ex husband a second chance, he asked to come home and I caved, sold all I could to get him an apt to come home to, forgave the cheating and hoped for a future, but it didn't end up as honest and loving as I had hoped. I came clean about the time we were separated, he had a girlfriend but I still told him what happened, hoping my honesty would build a foundation someday. Lies destroy all that's left of a relationship.

During my divorce, each time I went to file papers and sign stuff, the months of agony over ending my ideal reality of being an honest woman, married and clean of judgements, all ended in papers. I realized hey, I may have screwed up quite a lot, but look what I do have! 24, own my home completely paid for, own my car, have a decent job with work car included, I have survived single parenting not unscathed but I am standing and my girls are very smart, healthy and loved little girls. I hug them, kiss them, and I'm honest with them. They trust me to be a good mom. I am nurturing my girls emotionally and physically so they won't feel what I felt growing up. I am cutting the ties of the past from our lives and I realized as well that I cannot be a good mom if I don't take care of my past and my trauma. I am using the time away from my kids to work on myself. I am seeking help so that I won't bring my past with me forever, and that I can learn to cope with stress in healthier ways, to let go of what was. I am learning to be honest with where I am at in life right now. I am proud of myself slowly but surely that I am doing my best. Yes I struggle and fail to stick to my promises of changing, but I am seeing slow changes. I still fall into old habits to numb the pain of what I'm fighting to recover from. I don't want to bring baggage with me forever.

I fear being alone, and I fear facing my flaws head on. I simply don't easily change. I try and try to be someone I'm not, but I must accept all of me. I am me. Flaws and all, I am good enough as I am right now to be loved. I do want to be better and that is a process, but anyone would be lucky to have me. I shouldn't feel like I'm so damaged that I'll end up alone. I hear those words echo in my head, I'll die alone like my father, I'm a terrible mom and my kids will never visit me, my baptism means God will kill my first born if I fail and sin again, depression means I'm possessed by Satan, and my attempts as a teen to end things, that never got addressed, my sister's issues got swept under the rug, we dreamt of running away and of foster care, I dreamt of living underground where no one could find me. At least my daughters don't feel like life is already over. And someday I will have to answer for my mistakes and the damage I have done to others, and I know I am far from perfect, but my heart is in the right place about things.

I survive, I pick myself up and try again. I fall into wrong thinking easily. I try to date to hide the pain of being alone. I dread working on my past and I worry about losing my job, house, car, kids, but that's all out of my control. Life happens and life goes on no matter what.

Pick my head up, and use these hours away, these horrible morning hours of nothing but thinking endlessly of all that is going on in my life, but I am here and I am trying. Isn't that all we can do? I cannot change myself, I have tried and tried to change without help, and I fall into the same patterns over and over. Of seeking online dating to fill the time and silences, I found that if I keep busy and stay around friends then I am less likely to fall into old habits. I'm writing this blog because I am tempted to scroll thru the online dating site just to talk to strangers and feel less alone, they reply and compliment my pictures, feels less alone. Fools me into thinking my worth is held in what others think of me, and fills the long empty silences where I'm sad. I'm sad for the loss of my white picket fence. My dream world where I ignored the realities of people around me being toxic, and pretended they cared like I cared. I would give anything for that naive bliss back... Waking up to reality is such a lonely affair. I'm 24, no supportive family, divorced, and I only have my daughters on weekends currently. I can't cope with my depression and anxiety alone, and therapy makes it worse before it gets any better. It's hard work, its lonely, and its dreadful to be this honest with myself. To say to myself the dream isn't real.

I didn't have love, I didn't have approvals, and I am damaged goods. I am stubborn. I am mad at God for my misfortunes, I rather ignore my part in this situation then fix it, and I refuse to consider myself a bad person for my flaws. I am me, I am not very confident, I hate silences and going home alone. I use my cell phone to feel less alone, I am struggling to change this and be more honest.

I've dated people who didn't care about me, and treated me awful and I found even bad company comforting. Anything but this reality that I am needing to work on myself and find peace in the silence someday. To find peace in being alone, to learn to trust the bigger picture of working on things. I don't want to change, but I admit there is a need for change. There has to be something better then this. I do not want to live broken and alone. I do not want my kids to suffer because I refuse to be better. I want to love life again, to be happy and content with where I am at. I want to trust my faith in God again, I want to trust myself again someday. I feel my judgements are so horrible and my flaws just never disappear, that I fear I'm not lovable as I am. I worry my torn heart between right and wrong and willpower and letting go of control will always be a huge battle. Is desire for better enough to save me? Is it enough for hope? The right person will be patient and kind with me.

The daggers of words hanging in my subconscious, those are my demons I fight. I fight the battle between logic and unrealistic thoughts that have become my reality. Perhaps if I am simply honest with how I am that is a good place to start.


This is my 3 AM confessions.

Hot Apple Cider 09/14/14

As this crazy world keeps spinning, I realize I'll never have answers, I'll never have plans, I take it day by day, step by step till I find my way thru it all. There are no answers, only more questions. As work slows, winter creeps, and panic sets in, I gotta trust that it'll all find a way to thrive once again. So I sit with my hot apple cider, watch Fringe, cuddle up with my bf, and watch my kids laugh, argue, grow, & I smile despite it all.

*~*Jen*~*

Farewell Past, I Won't Be Back

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=emotional%20abuse%20from%20a%20mother%2C%20adult%20child%20recovery%20&source=web&cd=10&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CHIQFjAJ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nytimes.com%2F2009%2F10%2F20%2Fhealth%2F20mind.html&ei=-AzyU-bSFefesASn9YGgDQ&usg=AFQjCNGlRkbqYWLRU5nYuca5wqFHDJm81Q&sig2=S0VIVLjsrgAcZp-GrI7MXw

In a world where we rarely protect ourselves, honor are own beliefs, or admit mistreatment is wrong, many grow up believing that family is allowed to disrespect you because you must honor your parents. Or "good christian's are positive all the time" or sinning after baptism is a curse on your first born.

Twisted misconceptions will ruin the self light we all struggle to hold onto. What about what's good for me? What about living a stress free, or less stressful life and making my own decisions without criticism and hate. I am me, and I may second guess myself for a bit still, but I'm learning to fall in love with myself. Learning to stick to my decisions so that someday I can trust myself again.

Everyone has a past, and I have empathy for those that have gone through trials of their own, I do draw a firm line. Past is not an excuse to abuse others. Hurt people hurt people, but that doesn't make it right. And ya I'm guilt of it too. I'm far from perfect, but I am no hypocrite. I lay out my flaws, sins, and who I am for everyone to see. I am me. Just because I'm not perfect doesn't mean I have no right to set personal boundaries. Who I am doesn't mean I can be cut down, torn apart, and called a bad mom, ect. I don't care who it is, I will no longer tolerate the ignorance that I have no right to stand up for myself, even if that means distancing myself from the causes of stress no matter who it may be. I cannot seek approval from others, and I cannot fix it by changing myself constantly. I am who I am, I will not apologize for any truth, any characteristic of mine, or what I do. I am sorry that agreeing to disagree is so impossible. I am sorry that I dedicated a lifetime to changing to earn approvals I'll never get from anyone else. I am sorry that I tolerated it so long that now I must remove myself in order to stay healthy and sane. But this is me, this is what I need. I wish I had the right things to say, wish I could write a letter and fix it all or that this distance was temporary but as I gain self esteem, confidence, and my health back, I can never go back to how it was. I'm sorry, but its different now. I wish you well, farewell past. You hold some fond memories but this is my new path, new journey now. I can't take you with me anymore.

Goodbye forever, enemy of my happiness, and friend of my misery. I'm setting out to rediscover the world. I won't be back.

*~*JENAH*~*

Worker's Blog, 8/18/14

Worker's Blog:

Well it's an early Monday morning and I'm in Hilton monitoring an asbestos crew remove windows and caulk. Six am comes early. Summer's starting to fade as the chill in the air reminds us all that fall is coming soon. I'm sitting in a Pre-K classroom at a makeshift office, listening to keys jingle, roofers jack hammering away, and the buzz of workers all around, yet somehow its still quiet among the noise. Weekends fly by, and the summer at home is gone already. As I prepare for traveling again, I think on my weekends and how I'm spending my time.

To many who are on the outside looking in, they wonder how can I take a job like this? A single mom trusting her kids' family? Don't I love my kids? hmm, why yes I adore my kids, I want my daughters to take on sports, to have nice school clothes, be able to do hobbies and teach them about life in the best way possible, showing them its possible to do anything.

I talk to my kids and so does their dad, about my job, that I love them very much and I must travel. Why is it that taking on a a career option is looked at so negatively? Why am I the "bad mom" 'cuz I don't stay home 24/7 and cook, clean, and rely on a man? Oh and BTW to the married people out there, just 'cuz I'm single doesn't mean I'm out to steal husband's and party and be crazy.

My husband cheated and left, so I work twice as hard to achieve the goals I wanted to achieve with him. It sucks to be alone and trying to provide a home for my kids. I spend my free time with my kids, I'm taking time post divorce to recoup and rediscover my own goals. I'm single and doing my best in a new career and as a independent woman. So the next time your nose goes up in the air, remember this, someday this could be you. What if you became a single mom? Can you really say you know I am not doing great if you haven't been in my situation? Let's not judge each other. What I have an issue with is the vicious gossiping and two-faced backstabbing. Aren't we all adults here? What I am not a typical person so I'm a threat to society? I think not. I think I am working on goals that ya'll can't see the outcome of yet. If my kids are happy and healthy and out of daycares, isn't that a good thing? Why does there have to be a "bad parent" and a "good parent" aren't we all parents? Imperfectly doing our best to love and raise our kids? Sometimes there is crappy parents out there who truly don't care, but let's not confuse abusive people with ones who aren't abusive just making rough decisions. Do you think this is my ideal situation? No, no it's not my ideal. I can't handle the pressure to be a superhuman, do it all on my own, don't ask for help, don't trust anyone, what kinda life is that for the kids? Why must we treat each other like failures for doing our best in difficult situations. Isn't it hard enough that I'm divorced and my close family turned on me? Adding poison to the burn doesn't really make any sense. How can loving people do this to their own?

No, this doesn't make sense so yeah I distance myself from it. If you cannot treat me with respect, be honest, and not talk poorly of my decisions behind my back out of jealousy and hate, why would I bother to be around you?

If a stranger treated me this way I'd be furious, so why the misplaced guilt? I'm taking care of myself now, I'm being me now. And if you don't understand or want to hate, well there's the door sweetheart. I bought myself my own rings, cheap Walmart bling but it goes along with my self dates. I am in essence "dating" myself right now. Until I can be happy, there is no way I can make anyone else happy.

So here I am, quietly pondering life, choices, and my love for my kids. Isn't it a grand thing how nothing has to make sense right away?

*~*Jenah*~*

http://www.inkedincolour.com/breaking-the-silence-on-being-a-single-parent/


Being a single mom (or dad) is hard enough without the society pressure of perfection. Let's all take off the superhero capes and admit we're all doing the best we can. I understand doing what you can and not understanding the situation. What upsets me is gossip and judging and hating on others that decided things differently in their situations. Just because you don't think you'd do that same thing, doesn't mean you have the right to judge someone else for doing that. Working, raising kids, and being a young single mom is hard enough without all the pressures from others you trust to be on your side making the guilt worse. Every parent should understand there is a million ways to raise a kid, the goal is controlled perfection, its happy healthy kids and parents. Communities raise kids, and single moms still need a community to help them. No one does it all by themselves, let's stop trying to "Keep up with the Jones" and remember we're all humans with feelings and doing our best. It's how you react to a situation and others that defines your character, let's aim for getting back to the heart of communities and loving each other through trials. Unfortunately life doesn't work in ideals, family is often the worst at accepting your decisions, & they often hurt you the deepest because of this. My stance is if they cannot build you up, move on. Life is too short to be made to feel like a failure all the time. Surround yourself in the positive and keep moving forward. It'll get better. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Doing it all on your own will overwhelm you. Anyone trying to do it all will snap and fall and get stressed out, remember taking care of yourself must come first and don't let anyone talk down to you about your decisions even if you screw up again and again, its not their story, not their path and who are they to judge another?

Overall lets remember we don't know what they went through. Let's be more accepting of each other.

*~*Jen*~*

Do You Approve of You?

May became August somehow, How'd that happen? Seems I blinked and summer is gone. I've been through some changes. Family turned on my new found confidence. Started spreading rumors of me being a bad mom now that I work and travel so much. It bothered me a great deal at first, to be uninvited from birthdays and have the kids overhear comments about me, the questions from my daughters about why that was said and is it because mommy got a tattoo? How to explain its not just one thing, its 24 years of hurts and after my divorce I just set my foot down. No more getting walked on and asked to change who I am just to get used, cheated on, stolen from, and told I'll end up alone. Told that my kids won't want to see me, and that the kids' dad is doing a better job then I did. Yet why is the opinion of the few people who aren't even doing well for themselves matter so much? I'm too nice, heart on my sleeve. I sought approval, living in the fantasy of what I wish family was to me, and what my marriage was supposed to be but wasn't. The pretty pictures aren't my reality. I've worked hard, been assigned a summer project to run that had its share of surprises. Figured out I was liaison for the site most days, keeping the peace between contractors. As I developed confidence and experience this summer, I began to notice something. I'm happier without the stress I thought I'd always have around me. It sucks cutting family out. They mean soo much to me, but sometimes I have to be a little selfish. I don't get emotional support from them. I have a dad who doesn't notice anyone, won't talk to me, a mom who gossips about me and lies about situations for her own gain, and a sister whose parroting it all at me as if its her idea. I decided to accept this is my reality. I don't have a great family support system, isn't that obvious? I have busting butt for years to survive and get off welfare and here I am, own my house, own my car, have a career, work car, and no welfare. I'm buckling down on debts and spending time for myself once in awhile too. I have my best friend who I am very thankful for, and spent many great peaceful weekends off with my girls. So yeah I'm gone most weekdays, crazy hours and last min calls for anything at any time. Sounds crazy to accept a job like this, but its the grunt work of environmental jobs, working my way up is the best way to keep a stable home. It's not a permanent solution, but it is working out fantastically. My girls love being out of daycare and with their dad and grandma. So yeah my oldest's biological father isn't the same person, but 5 years of helping raise her has made him just as much her father if not more so 'cuz he's the only one who doesn't abandon the girls. He stepped up for the kids when my ex failed us. It's nice to have the kids stable. I'm not with him, and no one I date is the girls' father figure again, I made that mistake with the ex-husband and had a mess of broken pieces to mend with my daughters. The whirlwind romance crashed and burned, but somehow I'm better then ever and my family didn't attend the wedding, didn't help me through my separation or divorce, and aren't here for me now either. So what am I expecting? Why feel guilty for taking time to just be myself? I've gotten into my single routine lol come home from work, make food, take boots off, curl up on the couch with rented shows from the library, and have half a drink of mike's lemonade, and pass out. My little routine started a few weeks ago, been single for awhile and the dating world has been very disappointing. Yet I'm back online to fish for a good catch, figured hope is the essence of life, right? Decided just because I'm divorced and not talking to my family, doesn't mean I can't be a better version of myself, happy, & know what I want out of life, and I want to be married someday, but to someone I know and cherish, not the rush of a whirlwind of young love, but a love that doesn't fade. I want to be respected and live life stress free, and if that means I must cut out people I love that don't respect me & my right to choose differently then them, then why bother? If a stranger treated me like people I loved did, I'd flip out, so why does family get the exceptions? Why is it that family can make you feel so small and wrong and useless and that feels normal? I'm breaking the cycle of hurt. My girls spend weekdays with their family now, & I'm getting time to rebuild myself again. Its a much needed break for sanity and a new start for my career and life. I'm finding me and finding my path, finding my voice to say hey this is me, this is who I am. 

Sometimes a tragedy forces a new thing to emerge, either play victim or creator of the future years. Give up on explaining the past, or why people treated you the way they did. No answer will ever make it better or change the past. So today, find the positives, find out who you are and who you want to be and never let anyone tell you you're not good enough, or a failure. Only believing others opinions of you leads to failure. This summer I'm coming alive. Finding out this is me, I hope ya'll like it but I'm no longer waiting for approval. I approve of myself. Do you? 

*~*Jen*~* 

So here I am again...

Well, I been gone from writing and I'm sorry for that. As the paperwork for the divorce got thicker, lost my job, started a new career. Things got busy, and busy was good. Helped me get through the winter. I'm doing better now, took a few classes at church. I been traveling and training. I'm not online as much as I was but I'm writing a little bit for any readers still reading :p Life has many changes, and every bad trial I faced this year, turned into something better than I had planned. I'm accepting myself and enjoying the day to day stuff just putting the past behind me. I'm Miss Holton again, officially divorced and moving on. Healing is a process and sometimes its different than before, you learned, hurt, and heal to make up a whole new person. Maybe I'm not that different but I do feel like the changes that happened this past year are making me different. I'm beginning to take pride in who I am, trusting my decisions and not letting anyone walk on me, push me around. No more listening to insults, no more taking the blame for everyone else's flaws and misplaced anger, when I faced rejection, cheated on from my ex-husband, the violent, loud arguments, the family walking on me and degrading me, telling me I need to change, I'll end up alone if I don't do things their way. It's all empty words echoing their pain and not mine. Today I am me, and its good enough.

My random update, after a long day project monitoring and working in a science field. I'm living a realty better then my old dreams.

~Jen

Spring Clean

Well, my daytime desk job ended. Oddly enough Im happy still. Im taking herbs B12 for energy, valerian root at night to relax, and licorice root to help fight the lung infection Ive been battling. Im eating a variety of things to make sure im getting nutrients. Im taking time to enjoy my days off. Its great. My girls are happier, im less grumpy less stressed out. Its been wonderful. My spring cleaning attitude is starting. I love my home, its nice being able to enjoy the things I work so hard for. Thats my little blurp on whats been going on. Ive been sick n out of work but its getting better. 
*~*Jen*~*

Today's Blurb on food and beliefs

http://emmysorganics.com/

 

^ Today’s blog is on wonderful local business people in Ithaca. I fully support the ideas they are advertising as supporter of natural foods, organic, non-GMO’s, and the Go Green movement for protecting the planet for our future, I truly am delighted to see these little Macaroons at my work’s café J

 

That is all, except stand for something or fall for anything. Right? It’s okay to disagree, but have an opinion and follow your beliefs whole-heartedly.

 

~Jen

 

 

 

*~* "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw *~*

 

"Happy" Carlton Dance

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Hope, Love, Faith, and my rambling

Today I want to discuss values and beliefs. I seem to struggle to know myself and sway to what others tell me. I have been very passive my whole life.

 

I got very upset this weekend when I discussed my decision for baptism with a friend. See, there are two ways of viewing Christianity, Baptism and faith. I personally do not believe in guilt, shame, and requirements of perfection in order to be saved. Baptism in many religious circles is looked at as “Regeneration” where you are leaving the old person behind and vowing to become a new person and strive for perfection and to give up sins. Yet God knows we are sinners, died for us while we are still sinners, and accepts us where we are. I’m learning in my recovery class that we are powerless to change our sinful habits on our own. If the matters of your heart is the most important thing to God, and He doesn’t require us to be sinless to be saved, why would baptism be any different? It’s an outward show to the church and others of faith in God. I do not believe I must vow to be perfect or give up all my bad habits before going thru with Baptism. Perhaps that’s what I’m discovering. I got all upset and almost lost a good friend over this subject, so I took time to dig down deep into what I believe and perhaps disagreeing on subjects is making my beliefs stronger.

 

I don’t have to change on my own or at all, God will love me just the same. In time, I find my mindset slowly changing on things and finding the will to do better slowly appearing. Life is a journey, and religious places that condemn people, judge them, require them to follow rules and codes just to be a good person are turning people from God. My faith is not about good works, it’s about something so much bigger than that. People are missing out on life and happiness thinking churches are judging them and that God is telling them to change in order to avoid hell. It’s just not like that. I will be going thru with my baptism but on my beliefs and I will not cave to religious demands for perfection.

 

I actually really feel good lately, despite the insomnia, stress, kids, and being really sick. I’m having a wonderful day just simply knowing I have my ideas and the guilt and judged feelings are going away. It’s really nice. I feel bad for the people who over complicate things. It’s so simple that it’s overlooked. There is peace in knowing love is enough after all. My situations remain stressful but my mindset towards them is changing. It’s really neat to watch it happen.

 

I know many people have been hurt by religious leaders and churches. I have been too. The church I attend is where I first was attacked by a youth group boy 10 years ago, it took me awhile to stop taking it out on God for mistakes of people around me, I trusted them to lead me but it’s not their place to be perfect either, I was looking in all the wrong places, even searching church for faith is the wrong place sometimes. I’m not saying don’t go, I’m saying challenge your thinking towards who is supposed to be leading you and who you should trust. People fail, people sin, that’s because we are human, everyone is imperfect and that won’t change with being saved. It’s not saying you’ll try to be perfect and feel horrible for failing, that’s not the intent. It’s so simple, lights on today. I can’t even explain it fully. It’s just simply desire and admit Jesus died for our sins and is God. Sins don’t disappear with faith, they are forgotten but we will still sin. Simple. Powerless to change on our own, that means it’s not all me. If changes are to happen I must rely on God to change my mind towards them as I’m not able to change on my own.

 

I’ve been thru deeply hurtful things. Places, people, and circumstances I thought I could trust weren’t always safe. Growing up feeling like nothing was safe has left its mark on me. Gripped by broken ideas of what life is about, I’ve often gotten myself into bad situations. I have made my share of mistakes. Divorce is my current grief, I look back on what I did wrong from the day I started talking to him. Hindsight is 20/20 right? I see myself way better now after this. I’m on a better path now. I value friendships, family, and my kids way more. I’m working hard, love my life right now. It’s hard to explain but I’m just way more relaxed. I have my bad moments, days, and weeks, but that’s not the point. I just don’t feel like I must be the only person figuring everything out. Faith is allowing yourself to believe in God who cares for you and will direct your life for you. Letting go of micromanaging my chaos is a relief. It’s no longer my job to fix it.

 

Haha Idk, today I’m just happy. And perhaps a certain best friend is to thank for this as well. Chances, forgiveness, and having someone to talk to, that’s what life is about. Relationships matter, even spiritually. I will not judge others. It’s not my place. To each their own. Perhaps tomorrow has hope after all and this is why I’m able to face today without being dragged down by depression. Hope and love are what life is all about.

 

*~*Jen*~*

 

 

 

*~* "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw *~*